there are like 45 schoolhouse rockses and i only remember 4 - the preamble, conjunction junction, lolly lolly lolly, and the bill on capitol hill.

i have been staring at the screen for 20 minutes and cannot think of anything to say to you.

yeah, that's ol' colonel corn, we all just call him pop.

so far the new plants are still alive, but one of the older ones is looking a bit dim. my old man was like - we should repot that plant. and by "we" he meant "ace" so i was a sport and i did, but i don't think the plant enjoyed the adventure any more than i did. i am not sure what is the point of repotting but i think it pretty much annoyed the plant.

also on the move, jesse james. he's moving to austin, tx, which is where sandra bullock lives. according to a source quoted in people magazine, "in a perfect world, he wants sandra to be back in his life how things were before this mess, but he's starting to grasp reality a bit more and the realization that it's going to take a lot longer and a lot more than he thought to bring things back to what they were. i don't think he's giving up." let's see... what has ol' jesse been up to in the way of repairing things... hmmm... let's see... oh, here is something: he spent the weekend in las vegas with celebrity tattoo artist kat von d. a weekend with a celebrity tattoo artist. yeah, that should go a long way to fixing things up with sandra.

in other news updates, the FDA checked in at that iowa egg farm that recalled the bazillion eggs this week and what did they find? 8ft piles of poo. eight. feet. how in the hello does poo get 8ft high?? that is not a casual occurance nor an accident. someone piled that poo up. and, so the inspectors arrive at your egg farm where you've stacked up some poo 8ft high, and what do you do then? you put a dress on the poo pile and get cousin jeb to stand beside it and pretend he's married to it? c'mon folks, even jeb isn't married to an 8ft poo pile. you simply cannot hide 8ft piles of poo.

there's no use crying.

i am convinced that if sandra bullock lived next door to me that we'd be best pals and do stuff together like go for jogs and have our toes done. my certainty that this would be the course of events should sandra live next door to me is strengthened mightily by the fact that she does not live next door, so therefore, what might happened if she did is completely open to invention.

so one of my mates isn't going to play soccer this year, and why? because she was injured last year and the first utterance out of her mouth while she writhed on the ground in pain... "this is why [insert husband's name here] doesn't want me to play" and so because she might get injured, he doesn't want her to play, and so she is not going to play.

okay, firstly i'd like to establish that i am a fan of the concept that compromise makes for a happy coexistence and it is true that sometimes you have to do more than simply meet in the middle - sometimes one of you has to give completely in. but c'mon now. the only way to prevent someone getting injured is to keep them in a plastic bubble and in case you didn't see that movie with john travolta - a movie so aptly called the boy in the plastic bubble - in case you didn't see it, i will cut to the chase and tell you that plastic bubbles aren't all they are cracked up to be. the thing is that anyone could get hurt anytime doing anything. you could slip in a puddle of milk in the dairy section and hit your head and be done with us all, and that's no reason not to visit the dairy section, is it now. i'll admit one is more likely to meet with injury on the football pitch than in the dairy section, but still.

what do you think? imagining now the person who is the correct partner for you, would that person not stop you doing things you enjoy that might be a bit unsafe, or would that person stop you doing things that might be a bit unsafe no matter how much you enjoy them? do you want someone to prioritize your safety over your enjoyment of life? or would your life be more enjoyable if someone prioritized your safety? and, where does your enjoyment of life and endangerment of your personal safety cross over to to endangering your partner's enjoyment? if your pleasure causes another's pain, is that right? is it right for someone to feel put-upon because you want to have a little fun? is it right for you to have a little fun if it makes someone feel put upon? chicken? egg? wha? wha?

we need to hurry because they are going to close soon.

so i was perusing the books at the goodwill and picked up one that looked interesting. why did it look interesting? because the title was ace's workplace: a history except it said the actual name of ace's workplace. that was intriguing because firstly, it's like hogwarts: a history which hermione quotes so often during the pages of the seven hp novels that it's nearly a whole nother character. but mostly it was intriguing b/c it was about ace's workplace.

so, i picked it up to see if there was an indicator of who owned it before - like a bookplate or something. what i found was a library card in a pocket in the back. wha? a liberry book? wha? it was from a small organizational library. i was concerned that someone had checked out the book, and then found it easier to give it to goodwill rather than return it. i did some more checking and found 6 books in all from that library. wha? altogether they'd cost about $20 and i didn't feel like spending $20 so i put them back.

but.

those books haunted my mind for a couple days, calling to me to rescue them. calling. calling. so i went back to find them and of course they were all in different places, scattered around, but i found them. and, purchased them. then, i contacted the small organizational library to let them know i had the books and find out how i could return them. their response: we were cleaning out our library, and you found some of our cast-off books. enjoy!

wha?

they didn't want their books back. well, hello. i didn't want their books, either! stupid books. ace's workplace: a history. who cares about the history of their workplace? gah! i mean, it's not hogwarts!! stupid books. why didn't they take the library pockets out before they gave them away? stupid books!!

i planned to take them all back but then i noticed that the receipt only had 5 books listed, not 6. stupid receipt! so i put one book on the goodwill pile in the other room because i definitely need to take it back there b/c i didn't pay for it but it would just confuse them if i tried to explain that. i took the other 5 back and returned them for store credit.

so now i have $16.43 to spend at goodwill.

if ace's workplace: a history is there the next time i go, i will probably buy it.

did i mention i've never watched a single episode of the simpsons? ever?

so he comes into my office and goes, "my wife is driving home from west tennessee, and she said she is in BFE. what is that? have you ever heard of BFE?" and i am like, "uh, yeah. i am going to tell you the first word and the last word but i am going to say the middle word." so i was like, "bum.... egypt" and he was like, "oh. so that must be because it is near memphis." and he was serious.

if you don't get why this is bum... hilarious, perhaps give yourself a minute and it will come to you. or, perhaps get a bum.... atlas.

as for me, i used to think that expression was referring to the hobeaux. another bum.... hilarious interpretation.

perusing the urban dictionary, which is entertaining and also mostly NSFW, i found the phrase "battery bank" defined thusly: an extra bill of higher denomination set aside for emergency funds. usually stored under the battery of a cellular phone. and i would like to know how in the hello does that work? how can you store something under the battery? seems that would cut it off from its job of providing power to the fone. i don't get it!

here are some words from urban dictionary. see if you can guess what they mean before you look them up. oh, and another thing about urban dictionary? there are more words for bodily functions than you might have realized. oh, and another thing? most every word in the english language has been commandeered by some guy somewhere to describe some feature of the female anatomy, so while words all still have their real meaning, every time any word is said, there are guys somewhere snickering.

social fruitfly
store d'oeuvres
brodak moment
mint
brithmas
geniac
yoink
janky
gobshite
scousers

i say, i say, son....

the point of last night's post was we went to see the chihuly exhibit and so should you. it is stellar. the point of tonight's post is that there really should be rules about that neighbor kid riding his 4-wheeler on a warm summer evening, on a train bound for nowhere, i met up with a gambler, we were both too tired to sleep.

wait. what?

i do not think i have ever been too tired to sleep.

the cicadas in the late summer sound different than the crickets from earlier in the summer. the crickets sound like time to go to brigadoon. the cicadas sound like time for school to start. that kid on his 4-wheeler sounds like time to get the cops out here.

speaking of 4-wheelers, what about that egg recall? not that you really want to know how eggs are mass produced here in the good ol' usa, so let's just skip that part, but on npr today i heard this egg farmer from somewhere in new england and he said the amount of eggs involved in the recall was 1% of the eggs on the market. so, like, a halfbillion eggs are being recalled, so what is a halfbillion 1% of? a freaking shitload, that's what. there are a freaking shitload of eggs on the market at any given time.

so this wright county egg place that's behind most of the salmonella outbreak, this place is a pit, and not just for the chickens. it's a people pit, too. apparently a terrible place to work and the head honcho - jack decoster - is some kind of rascally good ol' boy type whose company has faced charges for things like raping the young immigrant women who work there. yikes! also, the fda has cited various decoster plants for unguarded machinery, electrical hazards, exposure to harmful bacteria, and other unsanitary conditions. yikes again!

just when i was getting brave enough to order my eggs over easy, something like this has to happen.

i bet he rides his 4-wheeler around the neighborhood at dusk.

chihuly -- chi.hu.ly -- chi-chi-chi-huly -- chihuly!!

the word of the day is AMINOTROPE.

i worked from home today - an hour or so outside sitting on the new deck chair with my new netbook on the new deck table and another few hours in the kitchen. finished the project i brought home to work on, yay. well, all but one little piece that i must have left at work. this telecommuting thing rocks. it would rock more if i cleaned off my desk so that i wasn't in the kitchen. i am going to wrangle this angle more often. complete focus, no interruptions, no chattery people with their silly tales of families or hobbies or pets. idiots. if you want to blather about nothing, get a blog for cryssakes!

the pork chops are ready. time to clock out and consume some protein!

the word of the day is SCUPPERNONG.

i got rid of most of my facebook friends and when i say "got rid of" i don't mean in the tony-soprano sense and when i say "friends" i don't really mean in the tony-soprano sense, either. or, in the rachel-&-monica sense for that matter. by "facebook friends" i mean, like, people i hardly know and rarely see. my old man would read that and think i am complaining but that's what's called "projection" in the dr-of-psychology sense - that is, reading me thru his filters. the truth about me is that having friends is a hassle and i'd rather not bother. friends want to learn about you and keep tabs and get filled in and hear the news, and there is simply a limit to the number of times i can describe my job, house, education, lifestyle, family, or dietary habits before i want to poke someone in the eye with a firebrand and that limit is one-half of one time. i prefer that other people talk about themselves because then they are clearly not talking about me and also i can sort of just let their words flow on by and think about something else. the trick is getting people to start talking about themselves in the first place, and this may come as a surprise now, but i am no social houdini. i am not good at the social tricks.

having friends takes time and effort. friends call on the phone when you are trying to have a cuppa or a lie down. friends come over to the house so you have to clean it up and watch something they want to watch on teevee or maybe even not watch teevee at all. friends want to do stuff together and OH MAN then you have to make a plan and an arrangement and then you are stuck and you have to do that friend thing even if something better comes up at the last minute like maybe sitting on the deck and blogging.

according to a story on NPR this afternoon, i could possibly be autistic, and i find this fascinating because i can't even draw well. haha. actually, being autistic sounds good to me because i was beginning to suspect i was simply lazy and perhaps even a bit of an ass.

sitting on the new chair on the old deck

so i've now reread all 7 harry potters and it was super. really. especially the latter books and especially 7 were different than i remembered. the first time around 7 was disappointing and i felt like it didn't answer so many questions i had and now i have to wonder if i was paying attention at all! the first time i read it, i tried to read it slowly and carefully and get all the meaning i could out of it, but i had come to the book with a ton of expectations. i had my questions all lines up so i wasn't paying attention when the questions were answered in a different order and in a different way that i might have thought. so this time i came to the book thinking "well here we go - the great disappointment" and boy, was i surprised! i am not kidding. i was very surprised at how many questions were answered and loose ends were tied up. i think i will read them all again, probably next summer.

right now i'm reading the dead fathers club by matt haig. i picked it up in the dollar store. spending $1 on a hardcover book is fairly low risk. if the publisher thought enough of it to publish it in hardcover, then there's got to be something going for it. i generally read the backs or jacket flaps or where ever the synopsis is to see if i think i will like it and this one sounded okay, so i got it, and i am glad i did. brits write differently than americans which i am sure is because they have a completely different world view and a different method of processing and thus verbalizing. their whole way of writing is different - the delivery is different. also, obviously, the vocab. some british books are americanized, and i think harry potter must have gone through a bit of that. this book did not go through that, so perhaps that is why it was on the dollar store shelf. i like it better this way althought i don't always know what the words mean. what's a "Ka car" or a "Ra Ra"? i can figure out bottle bank, and i know what crisps are. mad is crazy. clever is smart. thick is stupid. football is soccer. what is a "div"? what is "owt"? biscuits are cookies. tenner is money. what is a "radgey"? i am sure some stuff is slang and some is kidspeak. the narrator of this book is an 11-year-old kid. the plot is (apparently) hamlet, and if you know hamlet you'd probably be all OMG OMG all the time but i don't know hamlet well enough to get all the references. the narrator is phillip and phillip's dad is visiting him as a ghost and phillip's uncle is sleeping with phillip's mom and phillip's dad is encouraging phillip to get revenge b/c according to phillip's dad he was murdered by phillip's uncle, and so there you have it, hamlet. that part i get. and, phillip's dad came right out and said "to be or not to be" which was a bit obvious. but other than that i am missing most of the reference. the bottom line, though, is that this is a good book whether you GET that stuff or not.

books 2010

currently:
the dead fathers club
[matt haig]

complete:
harry potter & the deathly hallows
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the half blood prince
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the order of the phoenix
[jk rowling]
the ravenmaster's secret
[elvira woodruff]
harry potter & the goblet of fire
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the prisoner of azkaban
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the chamber of secrets
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the sorcerer's stone
[jk rowling]
the local news
[miriam gershow]
the magicians
[lev grossman]
benjamin pratt & the keepers of the school: we the children
[andrew clements]
water for elephants
[sara gruen]
the last child
[john hart]
the youngest templar: the keeper of the grail
[michael p. spradlin]
the last song
[nicholas sparks]
the magykal papers
[angie sage]
the memory of running
[ron mclarty]

there's a fine, fine line between reality, and pretend; and you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

i haven't run in many days now because i am paying $45 a pop to get professional rehab advice and that advice includes "don't run right now". there's a sort of trust thing between a doctor or therapist and patient where the dr or PT gives advice and the patient follows it. the pro strives to give good treatment and the patient strives to follow instruction. then, the patient gives honest feedback, the professional offers more advice which the patient follows and so on down the merry path of healing. sometimes it takes 18 months to find out you have asthma, sometimes 1 visit to find out you've got a broken bone. my PT said "it's a process" and that's not news to me but there is a freakin fine line between being a marathon runner and sitting around starbux eating punkin bread. and here i am, across that line. i just hope when the time comes, i can find my way back.

i didn't come here to talk politics.

i have a problem.

a serious problem.

mini-me & i used to have this great super wonderful fabulous thingeedoogee for holding our shower stuff. it fit right over the showerhead. but, after years & years of use, it was rusting so i decided to get a new one. well the new one was all wacked out and kept shifting and sliding down the shower faucet and dropping its load of shampoo et cetera and here's the thing - when about a pound of shampoo et cetera falls about five feet and hits the shower floor, it makes a bit of a racket. this can only happen so many times in the middle of the night before you just have to do something about it. so, i recently selected a lovely new container for my shower stuff. it's a sort of compartmentalized bucket thing with a handle and it just sits on the little seatstep and holds my stuff. problem is, my stuff's not all it holds.

my lovely bucket. my lovely, lovely bucket.

::sigh::

there's no hole in my bucket,
dear liza, dear liza,
there's no hole in my bucket,
dear liza, no hole!!

i selected a bucket with no holes. i have essentially purchased a swimming pool for my shampoo. brilliant!

written most quickly. edited least. liked by the professor more than the others. the last stanza still runs thru my head from time to time, unbidden.

"granny"

the simple quilt remains half-done,
and her hands are empty for hours now
as she sits and talks to anyone
the nurses will allow.

at christmas-time her daughter comes
to take her home to see her kin.
fearful grandchildren are dumb;
granny's home again.

she plucks with stiff and fragile hands
the shredded tissue in her lap,
hears voices she can't understand,
and drifts into a nap.

sits at the table staring and straight,
a napkin-bib tucked in her holiday dress.
with a trembling hand she cleans her plate;
what she eats, she can only guess.

sons now older than retirement
ease their mother to the door
as she fumbles for the proper comment,
"come to see me more...."

19 dec 1984

sh¿t my coworkers say

coworker1 - is your son conservative?

coworker2 - you mean like Southern Baptist, religious?

coworker1 - no, no....

coworker2 - political, republican, like that?

coworker1 - no, I mean, does he recycle?

------------------------

marketing guy - there is a weird image uploaded

designer - do you mean on the website or on the product database and also what do you mean by weird.

marketing guy - you know, it's just a weird image.

--------------------------

officelady - my father's legs are completely hairless.

--------------------------

coworker on phone - the next time you... you know... "go", just scrape off a little and put it in that specimen jar.

------------------------

officelady - seahorses are bisexual so you can limit yourself down to one and they will still keep multiplying.

------------------------

coworker1 - not only did i have a rough night, i have had a rough day, too. [proceeds to remove shoe and wiggle toe through hole in sock.] these are brand new socks.

coworker2 - take them back.

coworker1 - i got them in virginia. [turns immediately, exits cubicle area.]

-------------------------

coworker - my panties are on inside out.

-------------------------

it's called twosday because it's the twoth day of the week.

i see nobody played my game from yesterday. thanks. thanks a lot for all that trouble i went to, to make something fun for you, and do you appreciate it? do you even play the game? no, no you don't. thankless work, that is my life - thankless work!

the person sitting in the next chair over is shopping itunes by playing snippets of songs. gah! that is so, so annoying. rude! rude! i'd say something to him but i am shy. what? yes, yes i am at home. what's your point?

i have nothing further to say to you at this time.

i did a lot of research for this game, so you need to play it! see how many clues it takes you to know what state this is.

you can read the official website in english, russian, spanish, chinese, vietnemese, korean, and cambodian.

the state has 39 counties and 29 recognized native american tribes.

the governor's name is chris -- a she-chris, not a he-chris. the state's two senators are women. the state has 8 congressmen and 1 congresswomen.

the available lotteries are powerball, mega millions, and lotto.

the minimum wage is $8.55/hr.

in may of 2009 there were 1,040,750 kids enrolled in k-12 schools, and there were 59,562 classroom teachers. that's about 17 kids per teacher.

you can register 1-5 bee colonies for $5.00/yr.

the solomon douglas swingtet plays tonight in westlake park.

bumbershoot2010 takes place this year 4 - 6 september.

you can rent a yurt at cape disappointment or paradise point.

what state am i?

sundae

i just heard a new word - showmance. apparently this is a romance or the pretense of romance that develops on a reality show where strangers are thrown together in close proximity. showmance. sheesh. i also learned the word aspidistra today. i sort of guessed what it meant from the context, but i wasn't sure and didn't know specifically what kind of the thing it is of the kind of thing it is. if you know what i mean there. at any rate, i looked it up, which is the best way to find out what something means. well, if you are me, you look it up. if you are other people, you ask me because the words other people don't know are words that i know, and the words i don't know are really obscure and difficult because i am brilliant. and, modest. and, really fun to be with all-around, because nothing spells fun like dictionary breath.

do you ever play the word power game in reader's digest? yeah, i generally score like 18 or so out of 20. usually there are a couple words on there that i have heard of and i have a vague idea what they mean, but i don't nail it down to quite the right answer. sometimes i'll think the word means the exact opposite of what it means, either because i learned it from context and got the context wrong, or from the sound of the word. an example of the latter is pulchritude which sounds ugly but means beauty.

the former can happen when the word is the heart of the sentence and you make an assumption to complete the sentence. like, "jojo moved the aspidistra to the starboard side in order to reach the wall behind it." if you didn't know that starboard meant right-hand, you might just guess and get it wrong since the context doesn't really help you out any. not a big deal in most cases, but say it's like, "jojo enjoyed philippe's obtuse comments." and from that you could think obtuse means helpful when it really means intensely amusing. if you can't agree that's what it means, then you don't know anything about humour.

according to this commershal i am watching, lance armstrong has a really nice refrigerator.

just finished hp6 and started 7, and i thought it might be different this time, but it is the same as last time i read them - i am a bit confused. i understand that there are certain elements of the story being held back, perhaps from all the books but certainly from 6 to 7. i mean, after about 3, ol' JK had to realize that this was no one-book-wonder, so i don't blame her for building the story across the books and not neatly wrapping things up. i also am well aware that the whole question of trusting snape is supposed to be precisely that: a question. but i can't help but feel that there are too many loose ends starting to drift out of the weave after 5 and especially after 6. my theory is that JK was extremely busy at this point with the movies coming out and the book tours she was doing, and she was also under increasing pressure from her publisher to turn out the books once a year. the first book and probably the following couple, really, knowing how writers work -- these she was working on for years in the tea shop and the pub, just writing, writing, creating a world. of course, after you've established the world in the first books, you can get on with the adventure in the later books, but i am left with the niggling feeling that i didn't quite catch everything. or, that everything wasn't quite explained. i hesitate to say she was careless because that doesn't quite fit. i don't think she was careless, but i think maybe her editor wasn't quite as stringent and really, she probably had so many convos with her editor that they were both on the same page, so to speak. and, yeah, it's not like i have a list of specific questions, it's a more vague suspicion that i didn't get all the info that was intended to come my way. it feels like i read to fast, like i was careless and not paying attention, but i was even more careful this time than before, so i don't think that's true.

well, one specific question. who the hell was montague and when was he ever stuck in the vanishing cabinet?

books 2010

currently:
harry potter & the deathly hallows
[jk rowling]

complete:
harry potter & the half blood prince
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the order of the phoenix
[jk rowling]
the ravenmaster's secret
[elvira woodruff]
harry potter & the goblet of fire
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the prisoner of azkaban
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the chamber of secrets
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the sorcerer's stone
[jk rowling]
the local news
[miriam gershow]
the magicians
[lev grossman]
benjamin pratt & the keepers of the school: we the children
[andrew clements]
water for elephants
[sara gruen]
the last child
[john hart]
the youngest templar: the keeper of the grail
[michael p. spradlin]
the last song
[nicholas sparks]
the magykal papers
[angie sage]
the memory of running
[ron mclarty]

doctor, doctor - gimme the news!

this nagging hip & leg pain won't give me a break so went to the orthopaedist today and he said my problems were firstly, degenerative disc disease and secondly, malaligned hips. ddd is just a fancy way of saying "getting old" b/c it's not really a disease at all, just something that happens with age when the wee tiny pillows between the bones of the spine lose all their feather fluffiness and get all squished down. less cushion = ouchie. malaligned hips explains why the right-leg cuff of all my pants drags around on the floor while the left-leg cuff rides too high. not terribly noticeable unless you want to do something like pound away at your legs for hours on end.

anyway, that's the diagnosis. next week starts trying to fix it with a bit of the ol' PT.

singing the iphone blues

so last night my old man updated his iphone, and by "update" i mean of course "erased all his contacts, photos, apps, and music". whoo! whooooo! nice job, big guy. yeah, of course i feel terrible b/c as the designated official household technical type person, it's really my fault. he was doing a backup and his phone rang, so he answered it, and that stopped the backup, and right then i should have put a halt to the process but instead he continued with the update, and when it came to syncing the phone, he chose, for reasons that remain unclear, to sync to my phone number. now, this one? this one's on him b/c i said - DO NOT SYNC TO MY PHONE NUMBER. but, he did, and so he ended up with my complete phone on his phone. and, then there was the whole fact that he didn't have a backup. i was up to midnight trying to restore from something that didn't exist, because, you know, i had to show an effort. so now i am sending him every contact from my iphone one by one. if you have a better idea, you just let me know.

there is nothing ruder than a post with no pictures.

the best wine of all is riesling from germany's mosel valley. in the late 1960s, the german govt began planning to build a huge hideous bridge across the valley as part of a roadway to connect a UN military post and a US military post. those posts are long gone, but the roadway was finally approved in 2008, with groundbreaking taking place earlier this year. the bridge is now pointless and will undoubtedly destroy the environment that produces my favorite wines. (this is what i heard them saying on npr, and i am pretty sure i got it fairly well correct, and if you don't believe me, just go google "riesling bridge" and see for yourself).

what about ol' steven slater? whoop! you go, steve-o! in case you haven't heard (that is to say, in case you live in a cave), stevie was a flight attendant who worked for jet blue airlines. yesterday he got into a disagreement with a passenger that escalated into a physical altercation and ended with stevie yelling obscenities over the aeroplane's PA system, grabbing a couple brewskies, and popping the emergency inflatable slide for a ride down. now. okay. firstly, go stevie! secondly, probably should have skipped the slide deployment... which costs... $25,000. that's right - 25. thousand. dollars. gah! that appears to be a major oopsie, except you've got to think stevie probably had some inkling of the cost. at any rate, if you've ever been on the service side of a public transaction, surely you can see where ol' steve-o is coming from. countless internet posts, emails to news outlets, phone calls to talk radio - all claim "the public is out of control rude!"... but... if we all agree the public is so rude... then, who is the rude public? see what i mean here? we are all saying "everyone is rude" but who is everyone if not us?

speaking of rude, what about ol' roddie blogojevich? the jury has yet to come to a consensus about what exactly he might be guilty of, so i will just throw in my 2¢ here... roddie's an eejit, a complete ginormous roaring eejit. i am fairly certain he doesn't even know that what he did was wrong and i bet if given the chance, he'd whack a flight attendant in the head with a bin door.

hrm.

do you think i should have a pithy line to tie together a useless bridge, a rude and disrespectful plane-flying public, and an elected eejit? really? well, then, YOU write me one!

because it is your birthday

she said, «you only fight so much,
because you are alike, so much.»
and how i'd cringe, those words did grate
like fingernails that scrape down slate!
to think we share a single trait - ha!

me, share a trait with one so gormless,
devoid of id & ego, formless?
whose hollow head's completely lacking,
all the brains have gone a'packing!
give that empty head a whacking!

but time will do the strangest things with what we think we know.
as time reveals the truth of things, reversal starts to show.
the words that then i would deny, vehement and loud,
those very words leave me today inordinately proud.

klipping koopons

nobody, and i mean, no.body. eats all crunched up like that. nobody!!

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(the one in the yellow box.) (is that a secret of some sort?)

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do you know scott? is that you, scott?

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get a load of that free keepsake memory kit. is that a purple vinyl zipper case? for your peed-on stick?! ew!

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i am adamant about this.

somebody said that it couldn't be done,
but he, with a chuckle, replied
that maybe it couldn't, but he would be one
who wouldn't say so til he tried.
so he buckled right in with a trace of a grin
on his face - if he worried he hid it,
and he started to sing as he tackled the thing
that couldn't be done - and he did it!

this is part of a poem by edgar a. guest [edgar, a guest]. there are many who deride him as a saccharine simpleton, but i am a huge fan of his little ditties and their ant-and-rubber-tree theme. that first verse i have memorized, but the rest not so much. i'll just paste it in here for your enjoyment.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that;
At least no one ever has done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you, one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "cannot be done," and you'll do it.”

maybe it's too pollyanna for you, to glass-half-full. whatever. if you don't like to be optimistic & adventurous, well you can just suck it.

we're not in jellystone anymore, boo-boo.

so i purchased the netbook last night and brought it home and let it sit all evening on the couch. you know, to acclimate itself to the surroundings. this morning i opened it up and at first the screen would not come on at all but when it finally did it was wacked out. gah! what a disappointment. have to return it.

so my old man starts checking online on the laptop for reviews and stuff to see if there's anything about the screen, but the reviews are like 100% positive, outstanding, faboo. then while out there looking around, he found a lower price. huh. we tried to print the lower price but the printer's out of ink (wacktard) so i took a picture of the screen.

i did NOT want to go back to the store and was pretty much pouting and sad but packed everything up and headed back over there. when i went in, there was no line for returns/exchanges - so far so good. i walked up to the counter and the young lady was immediately friendly. good. she asked what was wrong and i said the screen was all lines, and she said "video card problem?" but she didn't say it in a condescending i-know-the-tech-term way but more in the we-both-know-the-tech-term way. good!

she took the receipt, and went and got another netbook quickly. good. i then explained about the lower price, and she looked at the picture i had tooken and she was like "okay". good! she processed the return and counted out the cash. good. she then processed the sale, at the lower price, counted the cash back that would cover the sale, and handed me my change. very good. then i asked if i could open it and turn it on right then b/c of what had happened with the last one, and she found me a spot at another counter. good again.

good, good, all good. now, i like to flatter myself that i am a bit smarter than the average bear, but this clerk was no average bear. intelligent, friendly, patient, helpful, efficient. i told her manager in person that she is awesome, and the first thing i did with my new netbook when i got it home was email best buy and tell them what a great employee they have there.

weekend update

update

the FRS stuff is tasty and does provide an energy boost althought i am not sure if it's a real boost or if it's just a placebo effect. a boost's a boost, i suppose, but i don't want to be duped into buying snake oil. of course, lance says it's real, and if anyone knows their substances, it's a cyclist. i am sure it's not hurting me, i am just not convinced it's helping. however. it tastes good, so there's that. google FRS and go to their website and purchase something and they will send you a drink bottle and some of the powder mix for free. i got 2 boxes of powder for less than it would have cost at vitamin shoppe. and, a clanky metal drink bottle with a carabiner hooked to it. woop woop!!

the two pairs of new shoes are good. the lunar flys are more lovely than the asics but both are comfy, fit well, no slipping at the heels. i really hate wearing those low socks for running b/c they always get scrunched down into my shoes, but the other day i accidentally picked up the wrong socks and my spare pair at work is also that low sort b/c that's why they are the spare pair. right. so, the point here is that i had to wear the low socks and they did not get all scrunched into my asics, so wahlah, well-fitting shoes.

the coconut water tastes good, but i didn't notice any difference in hydration, so i am not going to spend money on that anymore. the capris i haven't worn yet except to try them on so i know they fit. the higdon plan, well, i am only in the 2nd week, but so far i have done more weightlifting and cross training than in, like, the past whole year. i've been wanting to fit that in, but with the whole running thing, there just weren't enough hours in the day. pecan pie and all that, y'know? so i am down with the higdon as far as enjoyment goes, although still skeptical that less running will prepare me for the marathon properly. of course, it's probably true that i have never properly prepared for a marathon, so if i am to be unproperly prepared, this way is as good as any, eh?

peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

you can't have your cake & eat it, too.

or, say for instance, what you have is pecan pie. and, you really like pecan pie. you can't see that there's anything any better anywhere, anytime, anyhow. it's not a casual thing - you reviewed myriad choices before you chose pecan pie, then you chose it on purpose and with knowledge.

so, you're hanging out there with your pecan pie... la-la-la... hanging with the pie. then, out of no where comes a chess pie. well, hello chess pie! you didn't know there was CHESS pie. nobody told you there was CHESS pie. you looked at all the choices and coulda swored there was no. chess. pie.

but there it is. huh. look at that, undeniably staring you in the face - chess pie.

chess pie is your very favourite of all time. you're really sure about this - it's your favourite but you didn't know it was available. chess = fave. at least, you believe that it is your favourite.... that is, if you remember chess pie correctly, then yes, chess is it. but, you can't even get a taste of the chess pie because the stupid eejit pecan pie is sitting there like a toad grinning foolishly at you thinking you still want it when you don't. stupid pie.

what you'd like to do is make room for the chess pie, but the table is already full of plates. to make room, you could remove a plate. you could, potentially, throw a plate on the floor. you could throw that stupid pecan pie on the floor, break it. then you'd have room for the shiney new plate of chess pie. and, you'd also have a mess. hmmm.... you could, potentially, give the plate to the waitress. she will remove it cleanly for you, but you can't have it back. ever. it's going in the ashbin.

so, there you are. you've made a choice in a mutually exclusive situation. by definition, mutually exclusive means you can't have both, so you'd better be dawgone sure before you pick the pecan pie that pecan is what you want, because if a chess pie comes along later and looks appealing, you are SOL. and, really, the one thing you can count on after you've made your choice, after you've picked what's behind the curtain over door #3, after you've selected, voted, opted, designated, determined, drawn the line -- one thing you can count on is that AFTER, after is when the other choices all start to sparkle & shine.

did you make a mistake and choose too soon... or is the sparkle & shine only an illusion?

and, hell, what if what you really wanted was cake?

lonely ferry

the dock is sleek with the day's downpour.
the wind smears the prints of my boots
as i head for the ferry station....

i squint through grimy, breath-fogged windows
and watch the boat push ten minutes
across a distance worth five....

i am the only passenger on the ferry,
but the casco bay line won't wait.
the crewmen coil the sluggish lines on the rusted deck....

walking down the splintered planks to the cobbled road,
i dig through my knapsack for his picture
and wonder if he will be here tomorrow
as he promised he would be yesterday.

19 december 1986

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all the poems in this series are dated 19 dec 1986 because that's the date that's printed on them. apparently that was the due date. or, you know, whatever. at any rate - the point is that i didn't write them all in one day. i wrote them all in one semester for one class in which i submitted them for the approval of a published poet who later went on to become an award-winning poet and i despised him for judging my poetry with his creepy overgrown boyish arrogance, but this poem, he liked this poem, and i was embarrassingly, reluctantly, grudgingly proud.

how stuff works: illegal employment

picture your average usa city with a huge construction project, crawling with workers. the city hires a contractor for the job, and the contractor subcontracts each part. for example, joe smith is the contractor and he hires sally jones company as the concrete subcontractor. sally jones company sub-subcontracts different concreting jobs to johnny green, johnny blue, and johnny red.

on monday, johnny green shows up with a crew of 8 guys and mixes, measures, pours, smooths, and finishes the concrete for all the sidewalks on the east side of the huge construction project. johnny pays his workers $50 each, cash. johnny green wants his $400 back, so johnny bills sally jones who bills joe smith who bills the city. city pays joe pays sally pays johnny who has already paid his crew $50 cash each for the day, so johnny keeps $400.

johnny and his crew show up again on tuesday and they're going to do the sidewalks on the west side of huge construction project but someone gives ol' johnny boy the heads up that officer krupke is on his way to have a li'l looksee, so johnny gives his crew the day off without pay and pours the concrete himself. when office krupke stops by to ask ol' johnny why's he working alone, johnny says he likes to work alone. office krupke asks how'd johnny get the east side sidewalks done all on his lonesome. johnny says, i work fast, that's all.

johnny green's crew is undocumented and he pays them cash. when johnny submits the invoice to sally, johnny doesn't tell her he had a crew and sally doesn't ask. nobody checks the paperwork of the sub-subcontracted concrete crew on the east side sidewalk job. wahlah, illegal employees on the huge construction project.

my carpoolmate was a bit vague on the details but said there was a raid at the real live local huge construction project and "that day only 28 out of 100 people on that part showed up." i said, well duh, that's because they were illegal. she was trying to convince me there would be a paper trail for the officials to follow if they would just get off their butts and follow it. she was convinced that the mythical johnny green would have paperwork for his crew, although the paper might be falsified. i said, no, that's the whole point - there is no paper trail. un-docu-mented. she was rather insistent - yes, they have to fill out an i-9. i was like, no they don't. she kind of kept saying i-9, and i took stock of the situation and you know, she was driving, so at that point i let it go.

[raids are often done by INS and illegals are often immigrants, but not always on either count. and, just because someone's a citizen doesn't mean it's okay to pay them in cash and not report it.]

if i had a hammer, i'd hammer before 8am.

we needed a new roof so we called a roofer and the roofer got up on the roof and had a li'l looksee and found hail damage and recommended we call the insurance adjuster, so we called the adjuster and the adjuster got up on the roof and had a li'l looksee and found hail damage and filled out some forms and presto we got some money. my old man was a bit apprehensive about accepting it, but i was all like woohoo! he was all, it's not the lotto, but i was all, hey we have put like 10s of thousands of dollars into this policy and we are just getting some back and the insurance company still comes out ahead. my old man was all, it's not a savings account, and i was all, bah!

so the crew showed up today around 8am and worked a while in the boiling sun, and i axt my old man why didn't they get here earlier because they were losing like 2 hours of temperate daylight. i axt him and he axt them, and turns out they didn't want to wake us. we said no prob b/c we'd be up by then. they suggested we clear it with the neighbors.

westerly neighbor said, hey no problem. easterly neighbor would not come to the door. i thought maybe they were out to dinner, but my old man said no, they smoke a little weed. firstly, who the hell says "weed" anymore and secondly, i am really not convinced weed smoking would preclude door answering.

i googled "roofer" for a picture to go with this post, and this pic came up. perhaps the weed smoking has not so much to do with door answering as with roofing. hmm?? hmm???

books 2010

currently:
harry potter & the half blood prince
[jk rowling]

complete:
harry potter & the order of the phoenix
[jk rowling]
the ravenmaster's secret
[elvira woodruff]
harry potter & the goblet of fire
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the prisoner of azkaban
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the chamber of secrets
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the sorcerer's stone
[jk rowling]
the local news
[miriam gershow]
the magicians
[lev grossman]
benjamin pratt & the keepers of the school: we the children
[andrew clements]
water for elephants
[sara gruen]
the last child
[john hart]
the youngest templar: the keeper of the grail
[michael p. spradlin]
the last song
[nicholas sparks]
the magykal papers
[angie sage]
the memory of running
[ron mclarty]

yes, it IS a popcorn ceiling. thanks for asking!

so we decided we could do the vent install ourselves.

BAH AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! oh, my! OOOO!! PPFAHAHAH!! hahaHAHAHhahahAHAH!! ooo! hahah! BAH hahaha!!! hahahah!! oh!! HAHAHAH!! HOHOOOO!! pffthth.... hahah.... ha....

right.

as i was saying, we decided we could do this thing ourselves so we went on down to the homede-pot to get what we needed. we axt the guy where were the thingamabobs that attach to the doohickey, and he was all like - we don't sell those. so my old man phoned a friend and guess what? homede-pot does sell the thingamabobs what attaches to the doohickey! so, we got two.

in order to install the aforementioned thingamabobs, one must ascend to the attique. here's a pic of the entrance to our attique. nice, huh? IT'S A HOLE IN THE CEILING OF THE CLOSET. thank you, mr house builder man.



so my old man gets up there and it's like, oh, maybe like a billion degrees up there, so better him that me that's for sure, but so anyway he manages to make the measurements and cut the hole in the ceiling and all like that and everything is pretty much all set to install the thingamabob.

except.

the wires don't reach. the light fixture that was there before required X length of wire and the thingamabob requires X + like maybe 4 inches. but there is not 4 inches to be had because the wires are all pulled nice and taut because a professional installed them and that's how they do it. something about fire hazards. pffthth.



so the bottom line here is that instead of installing the thingamabob, we have installed a whole nother hole in the ceiling. we are about as handy as a couple of blind squirrels.

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--- fun at the pot ---
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one homede-pot employee to another: if only we knew someone with renovation and repair skills, we could get rid of these damn buckets!

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universal key my ass. this will NOT open my diary!

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bushings. *snerk!* couplings! *snerk!* NIPPLES! *snerksnerk!*

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i pushed the button and this guy showed up and i axt him did he know the lyrics to desperado or could he french braid my hair or would he drops some letters in the post for me. he did not, he could not, and he would not. helpful?! ppfthth.

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