it's possible i've been a bit hasty.

it's not so much that i'm the jump-to-conclusions type as that i am simply INTJ. i have what you'd call a high need for closure. dithering doesn't so much make me crazy as cause to arise in me a need to calmly, and with complete sanity, disembowel you. my old man is a bit of a ditherer, which he's wisely learned to keep to himself. well, mostly. i think that crap he pulls about supper decisions is intended simply to mess with me. well, mostly.

at any rate, i do not tend to jump to conclusions. rather, i consider the options quickly and i decide quickly. it could look like a jump from the outside, i suppose, but on the inside, it's merely a decision. and, it's decisive - a decisive decision. consider, decide, act, move on. ask forgiveness, not permission. sure, i have regrets -- i am human, after all (big surprise, haha) -- but it's not like you can know going in what'll work and what won't. not exactly, anyway. the vast majority of the time, all things ARE equal, and either path in the woods is as good as the other. just pick one and go.

so you'd think i'd be a big fan of goals, as goal-paths preclude other paths and reduce decision-making to virtually non-existent. i guess one factor in my refusal to set goals is that i enjoy making decisions. obviously it doesn't bother me, or i wouldn't set myself up to be doing it all the time. but, another factor is that if i don't have goals, i cannot very well fail to meet them, now can i?

doesn't really take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, does it now. all my merry talk about goals being societal constraints and how i need to be free like a bee to catch the serendipity breeze when it blows on by... well, that's all really very thin disguise for a fear of failure. a robust and tanned serendipitous existence is much more appealing than a weak and pasty fear of failure.

it's not that fear isn't justified. i don't live in boston, do i? i am not a journalist, nor do i own a BMW, although i think those two might be mutually exclusive anyway. i have never run 2000 miles in a year. i have never been to paris. instead, i live where i live and i drive what i drive and i do what i do. so things didn't work out over and over again. and, over again. and, again.

but, i am more than content, i am truly happy and fulfilled in a way that i am not sure would even be possible down those other paths. so, see, that's where the idea comes from that setting goals precludes happiness. a stubborn refusal to let go any of those dreams or goals would have landed me somewhere that i would not have all this that i do have, all this that completes me. see? goals are bad! goals are antithetical to fulfillment!

yeah...

i am beginning to think i can reach a middle ground somewhere. a place where there are goals, stretches, a path to growth... a place where those things are, but where also there is a flexibility, a posture of listening for opportunity, an openness to serendipity.