rubber baby buggy bumpers

remember what i was saying the other day about the wax in my ear? wells, i got this box of stuff called 'murine ear wax removal system' which sounds like it would have gears and pulleys and shit, but it's just some drops and one of those blue baby booger bulbs. i'm fairly certain you know what i am talking about but if you will just google 'blue baby booger bulb' and look at the images tab, well it's right there - right at the top of the page - because clearly the scientific name for the device is blue baby booger bulb.

ergo.

the 'system' consists of putting the drops in your ear, waiting a few mins with your head tilted over so the drops don't pour out, then tilting your head over and letting them pour out, and following with a rinse of warm water squirted into your ear canal using the blue baby booger bulb. easy peasy.

ergo.


i turned on some 'rizzoli & isles' to keep me company, cranked up the volume since one ear would be even more blocked than normal, and loaded up the ol' ear canal with drops. the box advises not to be alarmed when the drops start fizzing, and so i was pretty excited about some wax melting action that was going to take place right there inside my head. i figured there'd be some fizzing and popping, the wax plug would get all jimmied up by the bubbles, and then i'd turn my head over and pop! it would just fall right out. HAHAHAHAHA! idiot.

ergo.

there was either very little fizzing, or wax plugs cause not only reduced hearing but also reduced sense of feeling in the ear canals. wait... you think there aren't even nerves in there? well, let me tell you that yes, there are definitely nerves in the ear canal. i know this because this one time? at band camp? (HAHA. okay, i never went to "band" camp, but that was funny.) this one time not even at any sort of camp at all, but at plain old home, my ear was all jammed up with water. perhaps i forgot to mention that i was on the VARSITY swim team. anyhoo, jammed up, see. probably the wax plug all sponge-bobbing it in there, soaking up the h2o. so i was of course digging around in my ear with my pinkie finger which had a righteous allotment of pinkie fingernail. unfortunately, that got me nowhere, so i decided to try these drops called, creatively enough, 'swim ear'. drop... drop... eeeeeyyyyiiiiikkkeeessssss!! fire! fire! my ear is on fire! i stuck my head in the sink and filled my ear up good and well with water water water. then, i thought to read the box. ingredients: alcohol. brilliant!

ergo.

after the application of the drops the other day, nothing popped out of my ear, so i used the blue baby booger bulb to 'flush gently with warm water' and i was 'careful to position the water stream so as not to block the water exiting the ear canal'. in other words, i worked the system. worked it. worked it. worked it.

ergo.

i didn't work. no giant wax plug did dislodge and fall forth, no - not even a tiny scrap of wax deigned to descend its perch. pluswise, the next day, i had some random sharp pains in my ear. they were real quick little stabs so it wasn't a big deal but it was disconcerting and uncomfortable. so i was discouraged and i didn't work the system again. however now i think that perhaps the pains were caused by the dislodging of the plug. perhaps continued application of the drops would result in further dislodgment until said plug DOES fall from the ear canal like so much manna from heaven. on the other hand, perhaps it will just cause additional, prolonged pain in my ear.

ergo.