north south east west - who's the gal we love the best?

heard on NPR today that the government holds the key to job creation and then i heard that the US postal service is cutting 200,000 jobs.

saw this on a license plate: om sai. i am fairly certain it's a mantra on mother earth, but on the other hand, really not sure at all. saw THIS on a historical marker outside chattanooga, tn: chiara. i swear, that is what it said but cannot find anything about it anywhere.

did you ever notice on 'friends' how big the apartments are? who can afford an apartment like that in NYC? not a bunch of kids, that's who not! we were watching the episode where pheobe tries to teach joey to speak french, and then the next episode had thanksgiving flashbacks including one where pheobe was a french-speaking WWI nurse. so, french to french and also a in the flashback epi there was a young chandler with his parents and in general, although not in that epi, chandler's dad is played by kathleen turner. then, we switched to 'law & order' (rerun much??) and on that epi, kathleen turner was a guest star. see? get it? it's all connected! IT'S ALL CONNECTED!

have you been thinking about the communication issues i put forth yesterday? have you? HAVE YOU?

i'd hammer out danger. i'd ring out freedom. i'd sing out the love between my brothers and my sisters.

when we say "communication" we mean "prose" and the more important the communication, the more prosaic it becomes. chatty emails become fun newsletters become formal newspapers become dry journal articles. we've relegated poetry and music, not to mention visual art, to the realm of entertainment. even on television, with all its capacity for visual storytelling, Serious Information is delivered by a series of yapping heads from the yapping anchor desk to the yapping field reporter. ever heard of "show, don't tell"? yeah, right.

by selecting prose as the only acceptable conduit of Serious and Meaningful Information, we're missing the boat on the power of all these other forms of communication. imagine... the weather report delivered in song. news stories dramatized with actors. a professor delivering a lecture using dance. the laws of the land in the form of a painting. your nephew is born and instead of a phone call, you receive a sculpturegram.

sound ridiculous?

what about sign language? in case you don't really know much about sign language, i'll tell you that sign language isn't spelling out every word - unless you need to for something specific like a name - and it isn't a one-for-one transposition of any spoken or written language. it's a completely different system and involves motions, facial expressions, and body attitude. it is communication of thoughts without using words. it'll blow your mind a little if you let it.

what about baby talk? when you comfort a baby, you don't reason with her -- well, hon, i've changed your diaper and fed you and now we really all need some sleep and i realize that rainstorm is loud, but it's just water, sweetie, and some electrical conditions in the atmosphere, nothing to worry about, so just hush on up there and go to sleep. HAHA. no. you hold her and sing a little or coo or hum.

words continually get us in trouble or disappoint us. they're often inadequate. we can never think of the Right Word, if there even IS a right one. we say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but we go right on trying to corral our world into letters on a page.

imagine a peace treaty that is a piece of music. because of the status of music in our worldview, it sounds hokey to "teach the world to sing in perfect harmony" but c'mon. open your freaking little dried up raisin of a mind! we have all these forms of communication for all the different aspects of our lives, and we keep trying to force prose to do it all.

just promise me you'll at least think about it.

look, ma! no hands!

we were watching this newsmag on the telly and they were showing some sort of community agency in some city handing out 'free' bicycle helmets. (helmets for your head while you are on your bicycle, not helmets for your bicycle itself.)

key points:

1. the residents of the section of town in which the helmets were being distributed were affluent enough to afford to purchase helmets.

2. there was directly across the street from the hander-outers a locally-owned small business bicycle shop that would have no doubt benefited greatly from an influx of a several hundred bucks' worth of helmet purchases.

but, who's to say that affluent folks wouldn't be well-served by someone handing them a bicycle helmet. even though they could afford to purchase one, perhaps they wouldn't purchase one (perhaps stubborn, perhaps don't understand the benefits) ergo not having one, wouldn't wear one. they would be living a life with less safeness than could be achieved by wearing a helmet, ergo their life would be lesser, lower quality than potential. but now that someone handed them a helmet, they will wear it. see? that's great. improvement of life.

and, who's to say that having multiple bicycle helmets handed out to the local residents won't benefit the locally-owned small business bicycle shop. perchance the recipients of the helmets don't own cycles and will trot on across the street and acquire one each. perchance they have cycles, but now having received helmets, they'll be inspired to pull out said cycles and get them tuned up. more business for the local business. maybe the newly-helmeted will desire a basket or a bell for their cycle. can't think of a better place to purchase a basket or a bell, than in a locally-owned small business bicycle shop.

so, it's all turning out for the best, this handout of 'free' helmets.

but, just for a challenge, the reporter asked the woman heading up the head-protection handout - "why should tax dollars be used to supply bicycle helmets for this group of people?"

and, just as you'd expect, the chief hander had a handy reply. "oh, it's not tax dollars," she said handily. "it's a government grant."

it's not every day you turn 59.

the vandy football team took it to wake forest yesterday to become eligible for a bowl not titled "quiz". [arguably, both vandy and wake are more likely participants in a bowl titled "quiz" - both being superior academic institutions. similarities continue as both employ the colours black & gold and both sport pasty colonial-clad male mascots.] although vandy couldashouldawoulda beat a number of SEC foes this year including georgia, arkansas, florida, and tennessee -- wins which would have put bowl eligibility in the 'decided' column long before the final game -- and although there are altogether far too many bowl games -- diluting the qualification for any one of them -- despite all that, it is nice to qualify. even if half the teams qualify these days, that does mean that half do not, and vandy's generally on the unqualifying half. so, good on ya, vandy!

the titans followed suit, prevailing over tampa bay today in a hard-fought muddy contest that saw five buc and four titan turnovers. [the slipperiness of the ball sparked a fireplaceside discussion as to the physics of warm-air-filled footballs on cooling days, the effects of rain and lowering barometric pressure on the surfaces of new footballs. we came to no conclusions, there beside the unfired-up fireplace.] a particular high point came not far into the first quarter after the bucs scored a field goal -- on the resulting kickoff return tommie campbell took the ball on a reverse from marc mariani and followed with a 84-yard run back for a TD. that was entertaining, and seeing as how NFL is really all come down to entertainment these days, and seeing as how those boys have all day long all week long to practice, they should really be able to conjure at least one reverse, flea-flicker, statue of liberty, fake punt, or other thuswise trickeration at a minimum of one time per game. sadly, within two plays, campbell was sidelined with a shoulder injury. [i would tell you how he's doing but my attempts to gain entry to the titans website have been soundly thwarted. i have no idea what starbux might have against the titans. or, vicey versey.] hoping that campbell's okay, and also, congratulating chris johnson on a 190 yard game. i have been squarely on the cj-haters bandwagon, but if he wants to prove me wrong, well that's a-oh-fine by me.

everything looks better when you're winning.

and then there were two

i came in here to address seasonal holiday cards, so of course instead i am pillaging my co-buxers.

currently, i am pondering how some people can rock the whole highwater-pants-scarf-in-hair thing, the whole meg-ryan-in-you've-got-mail thing, the whole i'm-too-cool-to-care thing. obviously, TRYING to be too cool to care defeats the whole purpose. i mean, if you're too cool to care, the last thing you're doing is trying. pluswise, meg ryan has wardrobers and hairstylists and suchnot so that she doesn't have to care, even if she were not too cool not to. if you see what i mean. "grande skinny nonfat-whip gingerbread latte" in the highwaters and coif scarf over there, she looks as if she believes she is too cool to care, but to believe you are too cool to care, you have to recognize your place on the coolness scale and assess yourself as uncaring, and in so doing both, you lose the game. as it were. but here i, "venti christmas blend plus double shot", consider things and i conclude that highwaters are ridicularious. who buys pants that don't fit? besides meg ryan's wardrobers.

there should be a proviso against wearing stretchy pants with a word emblazoned acrossed the buttocks and an additional limitation on tucking said pants into a pair of uggs and yet further stricture on wearing said outfit on a 75º day, even if that day is in november, to the point where these regulations would combine to cause anyone thuswise wardrobed to immediately burstalize into flame. ergo, i am fully prepared for the patron in the next chair to combust, spontaneously or otherwise.

if you came into a starbux with the intention of having some sort of gift exchange, say for instance a holiday thingamajig or a birthday whatsis, and this starbux you came into was previously habited by a potentially combustible patron in one chair and an exceedingly cool, although not in highwaters, patron in the next chair, and perchance the remainder of the entire store was vastly devoid of patronage, and you were going to, say, share a vapidly inane tale of your muddy boots whilst exclamatorily unwrapping previously stated giftage... would you for this adventure choose seats directlynextto the seats already occupied, in lieu of all the freakingly empty seats? explain.

i'll be over to the publix, fetching milk and whatnot.

and then it rained

hello. did you miss me? yeah, you probably didn't even notice i've been away. well, except for mr alfie over there in the corner with the variety of deoderants, which is probably all for the best, really.

the other day, i walked a marathon. "walked" because i am not much with the running these days, although hoping to get back into it soon. what? oh, i hear what you are thinking - walking a marathon must be lonely. firstly, not so much really because my head is full of thoughts most of the time, but secondly, not this time at all because... mini-me walked with me! the whole way! can you believe it? well, believe it!

a couple days before the marathon, she was all, do you think i could walk a marathon? and i was like, sure - any reasonably fit person can walk a marathon if you just decide you're going to do it and decide that it's okay to be tired and in a bit of pain. and she was all, what about this one - do you want company? and i was like, yes sure! so i had to pull some strings and all because it was last-minute, but got it all worked out and so 6:30 sunday morning, we were off!

we tramped and trudged for a couple hours and everything was going okay when the first raindrops fell. we said, hey, it's not supposed to rain for like 3 more hours! but, we said, at least it's not raining hard. it started raining hard. we said, at least it's not raining really hard. it started raining really hard. we said, at least it's not windy. the wind started to push us around. we silently mutually agreed not to mention how it wasn't hailing.

rain and wind. that's miserable, but you know, we were miserable together, and misery loves company. well, a certain sort of company. around mile 10 or so, the rest of the field started passing by. that's not exactly the sort of company you want. see, the actual start was at 8 - we had an early start. except for the very slowest, all the 8-starters passed us. that's just how it is, and i'd told mini-me this was going to happen, but it's still sort of bitter-sweet being passed. you are cheering for the field, but then... you are getting left behind. over and over and over again. there comes a point you just want them all to go on by and leave you alone but after that... there comes a point you get used to it.

one thing about walking for that amount of time, or really, simply living for that amount of time, is that you're going to have to take potty breaks. if you subtract our potty break time from the overall, we made a pretty good pace. even with the breaks included we were still hitting a well under 20-minute mile, so we weren't strolling around out there.

it didn't rain the entire time. we ate crackers and sang songs. we drank gatorade and saw deer. we identified the rare japanese maple. we talked about a bunch of stuff and talked about nothing. i complained. mini-me complained. we both complained. blisters came and went (ow!). knees hurt. tylenol were consumed (in moderation!). uphills became easier than downhills. the miles ticked to 13 and started ticking "back" to 26. we walked. we walked. we walked some more.

when we finished, there were mud and hugs and cookies. we hobbled to the car and went home to take showers. looking forward to it, it seemed possibly impossible. looking back, it was definitely impossibly impossible.

i think we might be on a break.

you & i. us here. this thing where i write and you read. we might be on a bit of a break on account of i am fairly busy just now. on the other hand, we might not be on a break. maybe it's over. maybe i am never coming back. probably because of your body odor. ew.

here. fold these towels. c'mon..... puh-leeeez??

reading 'the god of the hive' i realised i'd missed the book before. there were too many references to a story i didn't know. laurie king writes the mary russell series as if they were all one book -- the next one picks up right where the previous one left off. i mean, Right Where. not like a quick recap of the current status and off we go. no, it's more as if the new book were merely the next chapter in the previous book. it's really cool and i really enjoy it, but it really highlights when you've skipped one. so, i inadvertantly skipped 'the language of bees'. a quick check in my local liberry's online catalog, type in my liberry card number which i of course have handy in my vast memory banks, click, click, wah-lah. book at my fingertips, right here on the iphone. the only drawback is the screen is so small that about 3 words fit on a page. other than that, it's stupendous.

books 2011

currently:
the disappearing spoon
[sam kean]
the language of bees
[laurie r. king]

complete:
the god of the hive
[laurie r. king]
flash and bones
[kathy reichs]
jane eyre
[charlotte brontë]
hp7
[jk rowling]
hp6
[jk rowling]
hp5
[jk rowling]
hp4
[jk rowling]
hp3
[jk rowling]
hp2
[jk rowling]
hp1
[jk rowling]
the yiddish policemen's union
[michael chabon]
american gods
[neil gaiman]
land of a hundred wonders
[lesley kagen]
swim to me
[betsy carter]
princess academy
[shannon hale]
the angels game
[carlos ruiz zafon]
they almost always come home
[christina ruchti]
lifeguard training manual
[red cross]
the broker
[john grisham]
queste
[angie sage]
the things we do for love
[kristin hannah]
physik
[angie sage]

WE ARE THE .1%!

although you'll find differing calculations across the world wide webernet, the most prevalent estimate is that less than 1% of the world's population has completed a marathon. of the folks who have NOT completed a marathon, virtually zero have any understanding of the desire TO complete one, EVER. so, right off the bat you have a very small number of people who even GET IT at all. then, of the folks who HAVE completed a marathon, even if you presume ALL of them understand the allure of RUNNING marathons, you have to know that nearly NONE of them have ANY comprehension of the motivation to WALK a marathon. i mean, c'mon. who does that? if you're "crazy" to run marathons, well what the hell do you have to be to walk them??

there is something simply beautiful, simultaneously peaceful and empowering, about moving your body with your body. sure, you can get in a car and go really far, or get on a bike and not have to hike. but... to simply use... this... this three cubic feet of bone and blood in me, this thew and sinew, this one foot in front of the other. THIS. HERE. ME. to use myself to move myself puts me squarely in the ultimate reality. thump, thump, thump goes my heart. thump, thump, thump goes my step. arms move. lungs move. eyes move. legs move. it's me, in action. whatever made me and whatever made this world did a job beyond wonderful to make me and the world fit together so precisely. the air is just right for breathing! my legs are just long enough to reach the ground! my feet bend and my arms swing. it's amazing. simply, simply amazing.

are you getting this? probably not. you're most likely of the 99.9% who don't get this shit at all, but even if you're of the .1%, the tiny percentage of people who GET marathoning, you're still not in the .1% of that .1% that gets walking. but that's okay. it's fine, really. i don't need you to understand it because i understand it.

and, with any luck at all, come sunday afternoon, there will be a new face in the .1% of the .1%, and if that happens... no. WHEN that happens, when that happens... then, she will understand, too.






i found this calculation of the .1%, and it seemed reasonable to me.
In 2007, there were an estimated 407,000 marathon finishers in the USA. Double that and add some and let's assume there were 1 million marathon finishers worldwide last year. Let's assume for the moment that nobody ran more than 1 marathon in the year (I know, I know...but I want to get a conservative number here). Let's also assume that the number of people who have run a marathon but didn't in 2007 multiplies the total number of marathon finishers by 10. That puts us at 10 million people who have finished a marathon at some point in their lives worldwide. 10 million as a percentage of the total world population of roughly 6.6 billion is 0.15%. I'd think the assumptions I made would drastically overestimate the number of people worldwide who have finished a marathon at some point in their lives. I'd say a fair estimate would be roughly 0.1%.

gerroff yer butte dae

my fitness has gone to hell in a handbasket. i lost all motivation to lift weights several weeks ago, and in the past couple weeks i've pretty much quit running too and now soccer season is over. i am a giant lump that eats cookies. i am the cookie lump. stupid lung testing i was talking about yesterday, remember that? had to get off the asthma meds for a week to prep for it and the gddm doctors can say whatever they gddm please about whether it's asthma or not, but i tell you, i stop that stuff and feel like crap. CRAP I TELL YA. tired and sickish. so i feel better now i guess, back on the meds, but hell, i couldn't work out much less run when i was off 'em so that's a week right there, and before that, well, it's not like i was a paragon of fitness. now what? oh, let's go walk a marathon on sunday. oh, good, sounds like a really great idea there, ace. brilliant, truly. such a gddm idiot. then, well, i won't go into it all, but you can bet your left breast and not risk losing it that i won't be working out at all until at least 28 november.

so there you have it. 28 november is officially Ace Get Off Your Butt Day.

28 november. yeah, i'm all excited just thinking about it.

yeah.

thank god it's not tomorrow....

opening a box of pandora worms

i didn't go to work today. instead, i went to the doctors office for yet another test to determine if i have asthma. the doctors have all been fine going along prescribing advair, which makes me feel better, helps me run better, allows me to participate more fully in life. but i decided to open a box of pandora worms and try to figure out what is really going on.

a few years ago i started having difficulty sustaining the same workouts that i had been used to - sometimes to the point of coughing fit, dizzyness, excessive sweating. at first i thought i was merely "getting old", but it simply didn't seem right. other people didn't age like this. it was like i was dozens of pounds overweight, when i clearly was not at all.

blah blah blah. medical journey. blah blah blah.

one of myriad doctors - a rheumatologist - suggested advair. i used it and within a week was feeling markedly better. super! since then i've been on a constant prescription for advair. end of story, right? well... not that i am one to question improved quality of life, but... i'm not diagnosed with asthma, so why am i taking an asthma med? do i have undiagnosed asthma? or, do i have something else that advair is relieving? and if the latter, is advair the best choice? and, more to the point, if this isn't asthma, what the hell is it?

so i've been questioning and pushing and prodding, and my primary care doc suggested this specialty clinic, so i went there and they listened to my history and did the same old baseline tests and said, well - doesn't look like asthma.

duh.

c'mon.

they scheduled a methocholine challenge for today. feel free to google that on your spare time, but don't expect me to waste time here telling you what it is. guess what? you're not going to believe it, but this test came back... normal! no asthma. so, i went over the results with the nurse and then the doctor made a showing for like 3 minutes, tops. those guys are constantly moving moving moving. i believe that if i could get some concentrated focus from a doctor for, like, 10 mins, i could really make some headway healthwise. i mean, look what happened with the rheumatologist who suggested advair? he listened and then made a spot-on suggestion. next time, i should block the door before the medicine man can disappear.

anywattle, the test today came back normal, and it's supposed to be a BINGO for asthma, so i definitely do not have asthma, right? wrong. the doctor has yet another trick up his sleeve - a mannitol challenge. it's a new test specifically geared to reveal exercise-induced asthma. unfortunately, they could not do it today because i had already inhaled stuff for the meth challenge that would affect the mannitol challenge. too bad, because all these separate visits are a bit wack.

i have a distinct feeling the mannitol challenge will come back normal because that's just what tests do with me. normal, normal, normal. you'd think normal would be good, but if i am normal then why can't i breathe normally? when i workout, i am stressed for breath, like asthma. when i'm between doses of advair, i can feel it if i don't take the next dose on time. first, my eyes hurt like prickly, how they do when you get tired, you know? then, i realize i am breathing through my mouth. then, i get a low-grade headache, and if i let it go much longer, i get a worse headache, and if i go without advair for a week, like you have to do to prep for the meth challenge, the chest pain goes into costochondritis.

the advair makes me feel better. i should just be satisfied with taking it and feeling better. who cares what the cause is, if there's a cure... right?

* sigh *

going back to find a simpler place and time

on the way home i got rear-ended. in my CAR. gosh, you are a perv. there was a delay up ahead, and so i was phoning my old man to tell him there was traffic when i looked up and saw the car in front of me had stopped. yikes! but then, whew!, i got stopped but then, bam!, the car behind me did not. ugh. so i was all stopping in the road and she was all stopping in the road, and she got out and i got out and she was like, are you hurt?, and i was like, nah..., and she was like, can you move your car to the side? and in my head i kicked myself (ouch!) for not thinking of that. what a dolt! so we got back in our cars and moved them to the side and we were all, i guess we should exchange info?, but then a cop drove up from all the coppage that had turned out for the actual wreck up ahead. he was all over the need your registration shizzle, and thank medusa i had fresh registration and insurance card sitting right on top of the pile of otherwise useless muck in the glovebox. (no gloves.) we were all three standing by the side of the road when the other driver goes - well the guy behind me just left and i don't know where he went but he ran into me and then he left. and the cop was like, you got hit, too? and she was all, yes, that's why i ran into her. and here's the thing - that happened to me once, for reals. i got stopped and i was all whew and then i got rear ended and ran into the car in front of me. so i know it can happen. but... so... see... the cop, he tells us to each go to our own car and he'll do the paperwork, and he comes over to my car, and he goes, did you see another car, did she mention another car before? and of course i was, no. and he was, when did she first mention getting hit by another car? and of course i was, only in front of you. and he was, what did she say? and i was all, are you hurt and can you move your car to the side. he was like, okay. i felt bad for her, but it's not like i am going to lie for a stranger. just in case it comes back later, it's easier to tell the truth. so, the cop, he did the paperwork and wrote out each driver's info for the other driver, which was super nice and helpful, and gave me his card with the incident report number, and the paper with her info on it, and my license and insurance and registration, and gave her hers, and then he helped us get back out into traffic, and that was it, really. that was it.

once upon a time, there was tuna on sunday nights.

so i am watching "once upon a time" which is a new television show starring gennifer goodwin. why do i like the show? let me count the ways.

firstly, i like gennifer. she is very pretty and in the movies she always plays the smart, spunky character. i am a fan of the smart and the spunky.

secondly, it's an intriguing premise. all the fairy tale characters - snow white, prince charming, jiminy cricket, gheppeto & pinocchio, rumplestiltskin, the dwarves, the trolls, the stepsisters - all live in a place called storybrooke, maine. they've been enchanted by an evil spell, so they don't know they're fairy tale characters. they think they're real people. from the fairy tale, snow white and prince charming had a daughter who escaped the spell and was delivered "elsewhere" and is named emma. turns out emma was sent to the real world and grew up in foster care and is now a bounty hunter. ten years ago, she had a son, put him up for adoption, and he landed in storybrooke. he's studied the tales, and knows that emma's the one who can unlock the spell. he finds her (turnabout on the bounty hunter!) and gets her back to storybrooke where she meets snow white, who is her mother but locked in time is like her same age and who in storybrooke is a schoolteacher named mary margaret blanchard. anyway! emma is the key to unlocking the spell. that's all you really need to know. what if you're the key to unlocking the spell? what if you're locked in the spell??

thirdly, maine! one of my favorite states.

fourthly, the dialogue isn't sparkling with newness, but i've heard a whole lot worse. and, it's not merely about the words themselves - it's a matter of delivery. the little boy henry, who is adorable, says, "the hero never believes at first. if they did, it wouldn't be a very good story." seems trite here on the page, but to hear him deliver it. so cute! i do wish the evil-queen-slash-mayor would stop calling red delicious apples honeycrisp because they are clearly not, but other than that, it's highly watchable.

fifthly, sunday night is time for disney and although this isn't disney, it's ABC and that's close enough. ABC-disney, tuna salad sandwiches, pickles, and deviled eggs. and, maybe some chips. and, a slice of cheese.

fairly certain this isn't the progress the pilgrims had in mind.

black friday makes me sad. this year, some stores are rolling back into thanksgiving - opening at 10pm or midnight. thanksgiving remains the only holiday that hasn't been commercialised because they haven't been able to figure out what to sell us besides food.

black friday has become the basis of the fiscal year for retail in the USA. the reliance on black friday sales to boost the bottom line should not be sustainable, year on year, yet the retailers continue to bank on it. the sales tricks, the pricing lures, the giveaways, it all grows every year, and now the bloated commercialism of black friday is impinging on thanksgiving.

competitive spending. pssht. why do people want to compete to spend? don't they realise that the retailers are supposed to be competing to win our dollars, not the other way around?

i am a capitalist, sure, of course. but black friday is out of control.

11/11/11 - it's ace day!!

i wanted to tell you a funny story about something that happened at today, but nothing funny happened at work, nothing funny happened on either commute, nothing funny happened before leaving home this morning, and nothing funny happened after coming home this evening. nothing. not a thing.

don't believe me?

some random odd dude rode his bike out into the intersection during my evening commute and stopped while facing me and just sat on his bike and was looking at me all like "what?? what????" and so i honked at him and he moved. HAHA.

around 1:30pm the human resources department circulated an email inviting us all to come to the cafeteria for free snow cones. as far as i know, nobody went. HAHA.

during a midday web conference, the presenter asked many times for the folks who'd dialed in to mute their phones to cut down on feedback. one of the dial-in attendees announced she couldn't hear the presenter. then, another dial-in attendee tried to agree that he couldn't hear, but he was drowned out by the sound of another dial-in'er keyboarding. HAHA.

just after arriving downtown, i ventured to the coffeeshop for my daily dose of overpriced affectation. their method of customer loyalty involves stamping a little marker-stamp onto the coffee sleeve. they have this new marker that has different shaped stamps, so the girl goes - do you want a star or a swirly? and i was like - i am feeling like a swirly. she goes - maybe you need to see a doctor. HAHA.

first thing this morning, when the alarm went off, i hit the snooze, but i couldn't go back to sleep, so i got up anyway before the alarm went off again. my old man was like - what time is it. i was like - morning. HAHA.

believe me now?

with apologies to elvis who heard about this already.

today i received an email about a $92k wire transfer where to finalize the transaction, i merely needed to complete the paperwork, but i declined because i thought, what do i need with $92k worth of wire?

could have been that story reviewing that book about copernicus. maybe? .... nah.

i heard something on NPR today that i wanted to share with you. too bad i cannot remember what it was.

maybe it was the story out of seattle where they've developed a program to keep kids in school by using a combination of fun wakeup calls recorded by rappers and prizes for perfect attendance. one mathematics teacher was all - that's not real life, because if you don't wake up and you miss work, you will just get fired. well, thank YOU, mister mathman. sheesh. firstly, way to have a heart, and pluswise at my work, you can get awards for perfect attendance. so there.

maybe it was about the EU and how they're freaking falling apart. who would want to put up with greece, ireland, and portugal? with partners like that, who needs... uh... non-partners? okay, so the greeks gave us stocism and yoghurt. from portugal we get the incomparable portugese language and some fine dry white vinhos. ireland gave us the colour green. but c'mon guys. get a job. did you know slovenia and slovakia are EU countries? i wasn't even sure they were countries at all. iceland is a candidate, and damn if they didn't go completely freaking bankrupt, what, like last year? yeah. that's a good plan. let iceland in.

maybe it was about how we all hate the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. we hate it so much that if you just mention "fingernails on a chalkboard" people will shiver. alternately, if you tell folks you're going to play them a selection of übermodern music, and instead you play a selection of fingernails draaaaaging down a chalkboard, they will be all - umm... nice.... haha. people are idiots. seriously though, researchers have discovered the frequency of that sound falls in the range to which our ears are most sensitive - 2000Hz to 4000Hz. who knew? well, because these researchers just discovered it, i'd have to say - no one. anyway, i was sort of torn between viewing this research as a complete whogivesashit waste of time and wondering what the implications are for corrective devices for those with hearing loss issues.

i don't know.

maybe it was one of those.

fishes don't use dishes.

this guy called brett ratner was supposed to produce the 2012 academy awards broadcast. he directed the new movie tower heist and when asked about rehearsals during the production of the film, he replied -- "rehearsal's for f@gs."

huh.

what do you think? do you think people just cannot say anything anymore, have to watch ever word, political correctness is out of control? or do you think that there are words that require watching, that are completely unnecessary, and people can and should be careful?

what if he'd said --

rehearsal is for retards.
rehearsal is for sissies.
rehearsal is for geeks.
rehearsal is for swimmers.
rehearsal is for girls, for cowboys, for bad actors, for worms, for drunks, for ballerinas, for high schoolers, for matthew broderick, for shoe salesmen, for firemen, for fire fighters, for foo fighters, for television shows, for teachers, for rocket surgeons, for butchers, for bakers, for candlestick makers.

rehearsal is for your face.


what ever happend to sticks and stones? why can't we shake it off?

what ever happened to mutual respect? why can't we treat each other nicely?

this was really difficult to write what with the teevee blaring friends and then football and whatnot. so, you should appreciate my efforts.

the US census bureau is the agency that provides the info about how many folks in the USA are living below the "poverty line". the census bureau defines the line and then analyzes census data to reveal how many folks are where, in relation to the line. if i understand correctly, the official formula takes only food cost into account. today, the census bureau released new data based on a new formula - the supplemental poverty measure. the new formula includes all sorts of expenses and income not previously accounted for.

the former formula (like, 50-year-old formula...) on which the official rate is based, assumes the average family spends 1/3 of its income on food. you know what "assume" does... right? well, most families now spend more like 1/7 of their income on food. why? i don't know. people make more money? doubtful. food costs less? well, food doesn't cost less, that's for sure. the old formula doesn't take assistance like WIC or food stamps into account, and the new formula does. maybe these forms of assistance result in folks spending less of their income on food. so, they should have more disposable income, right? hmm...

the new formula also takes government housing into account. the old formula either didn't take housing into account at all or assumed a fixed portion of income went to housing. the new formula accounts for the free (i.e., pre-paid [by you & i]) housing colloquially known as "the projects". so... not having to pay for housing should result in folks's keeping a larger portion of their income... right? fewer poor? what am i missing here?

tax credits are also figured into the new formula, on the income side.

expenses such as medicare premiums and deductibles, cost of prescription drugs, commuting and child care payments -- none of these were formerly taken into account. because these costs directly negatively impact household income, figuring them in would result in a higher number of poor.

basically, the supplements would decrease the number of poor and the expenses would increase the number of poor, and in fact, under the new formula, the number of poor has increased. well, now... that's a shorthand. the number of poor hasn't increased, per se. it's our recognition of what constitutes "poor" that's supposed to change with this new formula, and with the changed recognition of what is "poor" comes a resultant increase in the number of people in that group.

so. more folks are living below the poverty line because the line has moved.

it's moved in another way, too - a quite sensible way. under the old formula, geography isn't taken into account. cost of living is different in different places. poor in los angeles is not going to be poor in greeneville, tn. fairly much a "duh" point, eh? taking geography into account will not necessarily result in a higher or lower number of revealed poor, but would be expected to result in a shift. and, it did. the new figures show more poor in the west and north, and fewer in the south and midwest.

the new figures reveal more elderly to be considered poor than previously were, fewer african-american poor, and fewer children living in poverty. this is because the former group has large medical expenses, and the latter two receive a bit of supplemental aid such as food stamps and tax credits. none of the expenses (minuses) or aid (pluses) were taken into account before, and it all makes a difference not only in the numbers on paper, but in the actual, daily lives of these folks.

the official poverty calculator used by the census bureau will continue to be used to determine eligibility for and distribution of billions of dollars in federal aid. why? well, probably because the new formula is too new to be reliable and the old formula is unreliable... in known ways. don't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. don't want to cut off our collective nose to spite our collective face. don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater. or, whatever like that.

that's all i've got. i'm just glad there're people considering this stuff, and i hope it results in wiser uses of my tax dollars.

books 2011

currently:
the disappearing spoon
[sam kean]
the god of the hive
[laurie r. king]

complete:
flash and bones
[kathy reichs]
jane eyre
[charlotte brontë]
hp7
[jk rowling]
hp6
[jk rowling]
hp5
[jk rowling]
hp4
[jk rowling]
hp3
[jk rowling]
hp2
[jk rowling]
hp1
[jk rowling]
the yiddish policemen's union
[michael chabon]
american gods
[neil gaiman]
land of a hundred wonders
[lesley kagen]
swim to me
[betsy carter]
princess academy
[shannon hale]
the angels game
[carlos ruiz zafon]
they almost always come home
[christina ruchti]
lifeguard training manual
[red cross]
the broker
[john grisham]
queste
[angie sage]
the things we do for love
[kristin hannah]
physik
[angie sage]

my compuserve email was 71004,316.

this man knows why your meatballs don't taste right. i'll just let y'all discuss that issue between y'all's selves.

---

here's a pic of the royals learning about the dearth of foodstuffs in africa and studying what can be done about the sitch. at a UNICEF famine relief center in copenhagen, kate & liam were offered peanut paste (british for peanut "butter"). kate declined the paste which sparked a rumor that she's pregnant because apparently pregnant women shouldn't eat peanuts. who knew? certainly not moi, and sideswise i don't buy the rumor. i think kate wouldn't eat the peanut paste because it contains "calories".



"katie... do I like 'guar gum'?"

"shut up, liam. i am learning about global starvation methods."

---

this ad is sure to be successful because nothing says "become a teacher" like a picture of a demon-possessed child.

p.s. what does rosie the riveter have to do with paralegal class?

---

conjoined twins - tragic! separated - hurrah!

they were apparently conjoined by the ponytail. shoulda called a hairdresser.

---

you're on your own with this one.

ipso facto big green tracto

in the past few days, i've had reason to look up information as diverse as the 1972 presidential election and the composition of the german army. in 72, nixon won in a landslide, and in germany, they don't have an army. well, they sort of do, but they say they don't. kind of. anyway, i was needing info, so where did i turn? wikipedia, of course. that place is a veritable sasquatch of information. but, how much of it is reliable? and, for what's not reliable, well okay, i am willing to look elsewhere. but, where? where? wha? ere?

it would be so cool if someone would publish, like, a set of BOOKS and in those BOOKS there would be RELIABLE INFORMATION in the form of ARTICLES on a wide VARIETY of SUBJECTS and those subject ARTICLES would be ALPHABETISED so that ANYONE could easily LOCATE the necessary INFORMATION and that INFORMATION would be RELIABLE.

to recap: RELIABLE INFORMATION ORGANISED IN ALPHABETISED ARTICLES. in BOOKS. on a SHELF.

why can't we have that? huh? why? why?

fall back

an hour.
autumn's gift is an hour.
an hour of time.
what better gift could a season give?

-------

autumn takes the daylight.
takes the sunlight.
from the alloted 24.

autumn takes the warm sky.
takes the green grass.
from this random terra shore.

autumn takes the wellness.
takes good humour.
from the people everywhere.

autumn is a taker.
autumn's selfish.
doesn't care.

but autumn gives an hour.
an hour back. a bit of time.
autumn returns an hour to us.
that's a gift.
that's fine.

turning elephants into antelopes

i heard on NPR that if you lose weight, it's harder to keep it off and stay your new weight than it is for someone else to maintain that weight that is your new weight.

get it?

it's like you weigh 18 stone and your friend is 14 stone. then, you lose 4 stone, so y'all are both at 14 stone. you will need to consume fewer calories to maintain your 14 stone than your friend will be able eat while maintaining his.

that's why it's so easy to gain the weight back. after you lose that 4 stone, not only can you not eat the amount you ate at 18 stone, you can't even eat what other 14 stoners eat. and, you know, 14 stoners would eat a whole lot.

haha!!

ahem.

okay, so i am not sure exactly how it works but it has something to do with your body fat cells having memory and your body going into hibernate mode when you diet. your metabolism is just going along all lalala when you start to consume fewer calories, and suddenly it's all wha? wha? and then your body gets all paranoid and thinks you're trying to kill it, so it fights back. your brain kicks off these processes that make you hungry - hormones, nerve responses, chemical reactions - all firing off every time you walk past that vending machine until you buy those gddm poptarts gddmit and you eat them right there standing by the machine with crumbs flying and delicious redjelly centerstuff all slinging off into your hair and shit.

whew.

who can fight that crazy nonsense? pluswise, say you are really good and you have followed your diet. you've lost 2 stone of the 4 you set out to lose. you decide to take the weekend off, bachelor party, las vegas, alcohol, 50¢ fried porterhouse steak, midnight ice cream buffet, snakes on a plane, et cetera and so forth and so on. one freaking weekend! your 14 stone friend matches you chicken leg for chicken leg and doesn't gain an ounce. you gain back half your 2 lost stone. what the hell? it's your fat cells and their dagblasted memory. like elephants, they are! elephants, i tell you! ginormous fat fatty never-forgetting elephants!

stupid elephants.

takes more than "want to" to turn your elephants into antelopes.