knowing what i know now, i doubt while we swim that our lives are guarded very much at all.

tonight at class we did "entries" which is basically jumping in the water. back in the day, the entries were a dive or a fireman's jump. the dive has been replaced with a sort of modified cannonball (what??) and the fireman's jump with the stride entry. the biggest overall change is that a lifeguard is always equipped with this foam floatie thing. so you have to hold it, and jump in with it, and swim with it, and why? because lifeguards can't swim??

the stride entry you are not supposed to let your head go under the water. in the fireman's jump, you stride into the water in a similar manner, but you have to push down with your arms to keep your head above water. i guess it's safer to have that floatie thing, but jeez, are we a nation of marshmallows?


the instructor tonight mentioned that when doing a rescue on a forward-facing drownder, the procedure is to circle around and approach from behind. right, so you are circling around with your floatie and the drownder just stays facing the same way? yes, i am sure that will happen. drownders are known for being sensible and staying put. JEEZ. back in the day, we approached, did a feet first surface dive, swam underwater to the drownder, and used our sheer strength to turn them and "walk" up their body arm over arm. it's not a quick procedure and takes both strength and lung capacity. we were not marshmallows.

books 2011

currently:
the broker
[john grisham]

complete:
queste
[angie sage]
the things we do for love
[kristin hannah]
physik
[angie sage]

but the good news is i got a 4" lockwrench which will play a key role in my toolset right beside the magnetic wand thingie from the car parts store.

i always get confused with a watch and a warning. seems to me you'd have a WATCH if you were going to WATCH something, such as a witch on a bicycle, go blowing past. you would have a warning if you were just like, hey - yellow light - warning. but it's the opposite - a watch is a warning and a warning is a watch. for the reason of this confusion, i am likely to experience a storm in a negative way.

so.

tonight we purchased a weather radio and a new light fixture for the bathroom.

the light fixture has less to do with storm safety and more to do with the other fixture's having been wacked out. it didn't provide enough light. it was hot hot halogen. dim and hot. poor combination. so we got a new one and we spent like an hour trying to get it installed because firstly we are like the most inept do-it-yourselfers ever and because secondly these do-it-yourself light fixtures are wacked out. this new one? it's got this method of attaching the globes to the base with these weird metal washer thingies and the base is porcelain and so it sounds okay in theory but the metal's all out of calibration and the porcelain's sort of rough. i mean, whatever, allright?! why not keep it simple for the simpletons who are clearly going to be purchasing this stuff?! bah!

we spent so much time installing the light fixture that we didn't even get to set up the weather radio because it was like 22:00 already and we hadn't even watched the oscars yet. but the light fixture is going to have to come down and go back in the box and go back to the store because it's impossible to maintain. a normal person cannot get a normal hand into the abnormally narrow space of the fixture, so you could never get the things down to clean them.

and if there's anything i am mad about, i am mad about cleaning.

i was on the phone today for an hour and nearly another half trying to sort out my phone bill.

you will no doubt be delighted to hear that i passed the lifeguarding pre-test. the hardest part was swimming with the brick. rescuing it from the bottom turned out to be not such a problem, but you have to swim 25 yards on your back holding the 10lb brick in both hands. look, ma, no hands! having never done that before, i didn't know what to expect and here's what happens - your head sinks and water washes over your face from the top. sort of like waterboarding, i expect. unpleasant to say the least. the trick is to get enough breath to keep your chest and head above water, but the level of exertion and the adrenaline are robbing all your air. i did a lot of spluttering but made it back well under the deadline. i wanted to go first and get it over with so then i was like telling all the other girls like what it was like.

there are nine people in the class and i am by far the oldest. the first test was the 300 yard swim, and some of the kids had gone off to change, so i axt the teach if those of us who were ready could get started and she was like, okay sure. so she got a group of four of us and got us started. it's not a race, of course. BUT I WON! bah hah hah! i couldn't believe it. i thought the other girls were way ahead of me, but turned out it was the opposite, i was way ahead. that right there went a long way to making me feel like i might just get my red hoodie after all.

30 days hath september, april, june, and november, all the rest have 31 except february which rides a unicycle and eats peanut butter.

i've signed up for a lifeguarding class and tomorrow's the first day - the pre-course swim test. you've got to pass the test to qualify for the course, which is pretty much why they call it the pre-course test. duh. yeah, shut up.

the first section of the test is swimming endurance. you have to swim 300 yards in the order listed below. it's not timed, but if you stop and hang on the side you have to start over. this should be easy-peasy except i really hate front crawl.
- 100 yards front crawl using rhythmic breathing and a stabilizing, propellant kick.
- 100 yards of breastroke using pull, breathe, kick, glide sequence.
- 100 yards of either front crawl using rhythmic breathing or breastroke.

i am not sure what rhythmic breathing is. i mean, i could guess that it's breathing in a sort of pattern and not just randomly, and maybe it specifically means breathing on the side and not at the top of the stroke. i am sure that i will be doing the correct form because i was taught at brigadoon over the course of many years. in fact, i took lifesaving back in the day at the 'doon. i have swum miles and miles and miles. i am sure i will do it correctly. the problem is that 100 yards is up, back, up, back - 2 laps or 4 lengths. i usually do crawl, breastroke alternating. crawl just wears me the hell out. but, still, i am sure i can do that all.

now, the second part is a bit of a challenge and i would have liked to have practiced this but just didn't get around to setting it up. it's the 10-pound brick test. starting in the water, swim 20 yards using front crawl or breastroke, feet first surface dive into 7-10 feet, retrieve a 10-pound object, return to the surface, swim 20 yards back to the starting point holding the object in both hands and keeping your face above the water and exit the water without using a ladder or steps. whew. the hardest part here for me will be getting out without the steps. the second-hardest part will be the object retrieval. the swimming, both without and with the object, should be no problem. "should be" i say.

the very most difficult part of the day will be sitting around in my swimsuit with a bunch of svelt teenagers. the next most hardest part will be writing a giant-sized check to pay for the class ($125!!). the next most hardest and next most hardest will be the two parts of the brick test. the next most hardest will be the 100 yards of crawl.

wish me luck!

DO IT!!

the best part will be if i pass the whole course, i will earn the right to wear one of these. yipee ki yay!

it's raining.

new york times current hardcover fiction bestsellers
1- tick tock, james patterson
2- a discovery of witches, deborah harkness
3- the girl who kicked the hornet's nest, stieg larsson
4- the help, kathryn stockett
5- dead or alive, tom clancy
6- the secret soldier, alex berenson
7- the inner circle, brad meltzer
8- the confession, john grisham
9- a red herring without mustard, alan bradley
10- room, emma donoghue

1 - professional spies
2 - archivist library mystery
3 - amatuer spies
4 - period piece character study
5 - professional spies
6 - professional spies
7 - archivist library mystery
8 - law & order
9 - murder mystery
10 - mental illness character study

3 professional spies, 1 amatuer spies, 2 library mysteries, 1 murder mystery, 2 character studies, 1 law & order

spy novels are actually a type of mystery, so 7 of the top 10 are mysteries. our fascination with mystery is really a fascination with solution.

the "k.g." is for knight of the garter. if you don't know what that is, why don't you google it? this is not the answer bucket.

i was all set to explain how i figured out why i didn't have much to say here lately and how it's all due to my not running because the time while i'm running's often the time i work out something i want to talk about.

however.

the dress code for the royal wedding has been released and explained, so no fear! there's plenty to talk about!

in case you don't know, his royal highness prince william of wales, k.g., is marrying miss catherine middleton. look at the invite - "marriage of blah blah with blah blah". WITH. huh. anyhoo, billy k.g. is marrying with catie-m, and what's a girl to wear?


the invite states: uniform, morning coat or lounge suit. well. seems easy enough, no? the only uniforms i have are for futbol, and so i think i will go with a morning coat or lounge suit. those ARE types of pyjamas, right? you wear the lounge suit for sleeping and put on the morning coat when you get up. easy peasy! the wedding's at 11AM, bright and early, so shuffling over in pjs is a good idea.

okay, so really, what is morning dress? it's what we yanks would likely call sunday best - too dressy for business, too casual for evening. traditionally, morning dress for women includes a hat and gloves. it's the perfect time to channel your inner audrey hep! mini-dresses are forbidden in this dress code so don't even think about it. NO. FORBIDDEN! if you want to wear pants, you must wear a matching coat. this would be the "pantsuit" made so brilliantly famous by hillary clinton. go hill, you fashion godess! here is cute cate in morning dress, worn to another girl's wedding a couple years ago. notice cate's opted to go gloveless and hosieryless, but has donned a snappy hat. cate's friend here clearly has leg-tan-envy.


contrary to popular belief, the morning coat is not a bedroom robe. can't believe you'd even THINK that. haha!! no. a morning coat is a specific piece of a man's wardrobe: a single-breasted coat with the front cut away, leaving tails in the back. this design originated as a way to make the coat easier to wear while on horseback. while the COAT WEARER is on horseback, ya doof, not while the coat is on the horsie's back. horsies don't wear coats! (although sometimes they do wear blankies. and, sometimes hats. yes, you will occassionally see a horse sporting a jaunty haberdash.)


this morning jacket comes complete with a fickle finger of fate. nice detail!

here's billy k.g. demonstrating the proper way to wear a morning jacket. he and catie-m are here headed for yet another wedding. you know how it is when you're young and all your crowd are marrying off. imagine if your crowd were the size of a small country, such as wales. so many weddings. wonder how many morning coats billy k.g. has in his armoire.


so much for morning attire. what's this lounge suit we've been hearing so much about? while we yanks might believe a lounge suit is a powder blue jacket over open-necked shirt accented with gold chains, that is decidedly not the case. a typical lounge suit consists of striped or checked pants, a waistcoat, and a formal shirt & tie. here are prince harry and the royal wankers dressed in lounge suits for... wait for it... a wedding!


the final category of acceptable dress for the royal wedding is uniforms. "uniform" here does not mean futbol togs and that is all i am going to say about uniforms because if you are eligible to wear a uniform to a formal occassion, you would know it.

2 goes into 22 11 times.

i just ordered two more pairs of leggings like these i have on which i found at walgreens but of which i cannot find any more anywhere local, so i ordered them online because i am a fan and this is why: good fit and good feel. do they look unfashionable, dorky, frumpy? i am way too old to care.

speaking of old, i am sitting here watching this teevee show called "no ordinary family" where the family has superpowers and it's all blah blah whatever, but here's the thing - the guest star this week is anthony michael hall. remember him? he was in sixteen candles, breakfast club, you know all those 80s movies. well, he looks a bit different now. he's old.



speaking of old, i need to go do my exercises now to stretch my old self.

i really need a haircut. i mean, really really. really. it's really starting to bug me. really.

in the 2000 USA census there were 163,036 people with the last name washington and 90% of them were african-american. according to an article i read online today and plan to ruthlessly plagiarize -- uh... i mean respectfully summarize -- right now, this percentage is "a far higher black percentage than for any other common name".

why? one wonders.

the first president of this great nation was george washington. george's family came over from england in 1656 and george's father's father's father, john, married the well and a good dowry combined with his wisely working the nascent real estate market resulted in john's eventually owning more than 5000 acres.

5000 acres. 78.125 square miles is 50000 acres, approx the size of cleveland, so john washington owned land 1/10th the size of cleveland.


john passed this land to his son who passed it to his son who passed it to his son, george. along with land, george's daddy bequeathed to him 10 human beings. weird, huh? when george married martha, she was a wealthy widow with a few humans in her portfolio. george also purchased slaves "to work the lands he aggressively amassed". i don't know how much land he amassed, but i do know that as time went on, ol' george grew more and more aware of the cognitive dissonance caused by the tension between slavery and the proclaimed freedoms of the new nation. over the course of many years, george changed his mind, became opposed to human bondage, resolved not to purchase any more black people.

as an aside, here's an interesting portrait which was painted from an image created by anthropologists of what martha may have looked like, based on pictures of martha that we're used to seeing - those frumpy portraits from her later years.

george was known as a relatively kind slaveowner, gentle by the standards of the time. he provided good food and medical care. he recognized marriages and refused to sell off individual family members. not to say that he didn't work his slaves hard or that he always behaved honorably.when he was president, he shuttled slaves between his philadelphia residence and his virginia estate to evade a law that freed any slave residing in pennsylvania for six months. that's not conduct becoming a US president, is it now?

but after no doubt giving the subject considerable thought, george decided that he'd not perpetuate this legacy. in his will, he granted immediate freedom to the one slave who was by his side through the entire revolutionary war and he stipulated that after martha's death, the remaining 124 of his slaves would be free. and, not only merely free, but he also ordered that the younger ones be educated or taught a trade, and he provided a fund to care for the sick or aged. now, that's more like it, george!

in this picture, george looks a bit like my paternal grandmother. huh.

12 american presidents were slaveowners and of those, 8 presidents owned slaves while in office and of those, george is the only one who set his free.

so, why are so many black people today named washington? well, it's not because slaves routinely took the name of their owner. that's a misconception. however, it is true that many slaves were given only one name, and after the civil war when many slaves were freed, the big plantation owners were powerful men and it behooved the freed slaves to take on the name of their former owners. it's a big ironic, isn't it, that they'd want to align themselves with the very people who had exploited them. one reason they'd do this is that some west african cultures placed high value on ancestral villages, and the american equivalent would be the plantation where your family was from. maybe it wasn't great, but it was your home, and in claiming the name, you claimed a certain geographic identity.

the name + race analysis done using 2000 census data was not repeated in 2010, so looking at the 2000 data:
- washington was 138/1000 most common american names. 146,520 or 90% of those washingtons were black. 5% (8,813) were white.
- jefferson was the second-blackest name, 75% african-american.
- only 16,070 people had the last name lincoln and only 14% were black.
- jackson was 53% black.
- williams was the 16th-blackest name, at 46%. there were 1,534,042 total williamses, including 716,704 black ones, so although the percentage was smaller than for washington, there were more blacks named williams than anything else.
- the name black was 68% white, many more white blacks than black blacks.
- the name white was 19% black.

today is the 20th.

today's daytona500 was won by 20-year-old trevor bayne who drove like an old pro - his blocking move on the last lap showed a great combination of instinct and skill - and was suitably humble and well-spoken in his post race interview. although michael waltrip did win the truck race this weekend, he can't seem to win a cup race anymore (and started this giant wreck today) so i need a new driver to follow. mr bayne may be just the ticket.


speaking of 20-yo's doing big things, mark zuckerberg. wonder if he's a calculating jerk who finds it convenient to behave like a socially stilted computer scientist or if he's actually socially inept and simply comes off as a jerk. manipulative or manipulated? user or used? yeah, it's probably not that simple at all, but i can tell you one thing for sure after watching "the social network" - that movie doesn't deserve a bunch of a awards. it was fine as far as entertainment goes, but it didn't have a groundbreaking plot or a compelling script or dynamic acting. from what i understand, the story as shown in the film isn't even a true portrayal, so if they were going to make up a bunch of shit, they really could have done better than to remake "oxford blues".

even though it's a DVR, we still say we are "taping" shows.

it will no doubt come as a complete shock to learn that i said something the other day that ticked someone off. not "said" so much as "electronically transmitted" but you get the point. this isn't someone i know well so i don't care if he got his wee tiny little feelings hurt. it's his fault, really, for taking what i said seriously and that's what i'd like to explore today. why do people presume hurt over humour? why do people get so bent out of shape? partially it's because quality humour contains at least a small morsel of truth, so you have to be able to laugh at yourself. this guy proclaims to be a comedian, so you'd think he would get that part. he's probably a disher-outer who can't take a jab but it's amazing that i would hit on a bit of truth at all, seeing as how it don't even know this guy. he realizes that he doesn't know me either because his reply was, and i quote, "do i know you?". he was hurt enough by what i said to perceive it at as, and i quote, "mean" and to cut off all communication with me. a bit of a drastic reaction, don't you think? yes, i am sure you do see my side in this.

i don't care that he thinks i was being mean. well, i cared at first because i thought this was someone sweet baby james knows personally but when i found that's not the case, i ceased to care. i don't need this guy to like me. that's not the point. the point is larger than this one exchange between strangers. the point is that people are more ready to see offense than to laugh.

i'm continually surprised by this but usually don't give a flying canoe what people think. sometimes i hurt the actual feelings of an actual person, and sometimes i regret that, but generally people need to get over themselves. it's not my fault when other people get their feelings hurt. why are they putting any stock in what i say? who died and left me king? who cares what i think? i am just an idiot saying shit, trying to lighten up this trip through life.

taken with liam neeson

everything always sounds cooler in the movies. it's the way they're mic'd, all the little sounds get picked up. i'm going to go watch a movie now.

so many words, so little meaning

so i stopped by the sporting goods store this evening to purchase some thorlos because they are the bestest socks for running and i am a runner. currently, i am a cross trainer, but in the larger scheme, i am a runner. i have not been running much in several months because of this leg pain thing that i have going on and i have been to see a plethora of doctors and therapists until yesterday when i saw a new physical therapist (PTprettyman [yes, he's attractive.]) and he was all like, well there's your trouble! and i go, what? and he is all, your right leg is an inch shorter than your left leg!

okay, so it wasn't that simple. there was a lot of move here and bend here and push and resist and stand and sit and cetera and cetera, but in the end he measured three times (for accuracy) and said, yes - your left leg is one inch longer. now, he is not the first person to notice this. i would have to say that i am the first person to notice this because i know my pants legs always drag on the right side. then, i would have to say that an orthopaedic doctor and a previous therapist both noticed and confirmed the condition of leg length discrepancy but didn't recommend treatment for the LLD per se. it's one of the first things my new PCP keyed on so kudos to her for that, but until PTprettyman, no one actually recommended anything for it.

PTpm recommended a heel riser (platform shoes!) and a bunch of stretches because the pain symptoms are being caused by this imbalance which leads to some muscles being weak and some being tight and some misfiring and some not firing at all and all this dysmotion is going on just in the simple act of moving thru the day so you add marathon training and wham! after the stretching works out some of these major kinks, then i will get some new exercises to focus on strengthening the specific muscles that need it, and then in about a month i can get back into running! yipee ki yay!

PTpm said the only symptom i have that doesn't mesh with pinpointing leg length discrepancy as the cause of all my trouble is that i have been running all my life and marathon training for several years and it only started hurting last year. but, here's the thing - i have had "bursitis" in that leg before, and IT band issues. i am sure now that they were caused by this LLD. and, i had a stress fracture in that ankle. and, back in the day, i had knee and ankle pain and my pediatrician diagnosed osgood-schlatter which is a very common pediatric orthopaedic issue. and in which leg was this o-s found? the left. always the left leg with the crying and the whining and the issues.

anyway, PTpm said, this should have been hurting you for years, you must be really tough. i saw no reason to disagree, so i just left it at that.

hey, now... i am tough.

i AM!

you shut up.

it's not wasting time if you are doing something.

i am a piddler.

no, i am not incontinent. jeez! no, i do not play a piccolo-fiddle. jeez! i am a bit of a dawdler, a slowpoke, a caboose.

usually when folks announce something about themselves, they are exactly wrong. case in point, mr nixon's declaration of his not-a-crookedness. but you know what i mean - someone is all, i am good with the ladies! and he's of course a wanker. someone is all, i am a fair boss! and she of course plays favorites. it's the protests-too-much syndrome. so, when i say that i am a piddler, you would naturally believe i am the opposite.

the thing is that if you had asked me, i would have said i am a good time manager, very efficient, snip snap, on the ball.

but today i was in the locker room getting dressed back for work after my running, and i saw my coworker getting ready to start her workout. hello, coworker! hello! so she goes for her workout and then she comes back in the locker room, and i am like, are you done already, and she is like, yes that is what you call a zippy 30-minute workout, and i am like, what?! i said, you mean to tell me i have been in here 30 minutes? and she was all, well i wasn't going to put it that way haha. i was all, boo hoo, and she goes, it's okay - you are a piddler. she continued to describe how she had known this about me for years.

so.

huh.

i am a piddler.

who knew?

if i had a pony, i would ride him on my boat.

if i had one dollar, i would buy a song on itunes.

if i had two dollars, i would buy a fancy spiral notebook.

if i had three dollars, i would buy a burt's bees.

if i had four dollars, i would buy a greeting card to send to you.

if i had five dollars, i would buy a latte at starbux.

if i had six dollars, i would buy a national geographic magazine.

if i had seven dollars, i would buy a wash for my slingshot-car.

if i had eight dollars, i would buy a paperback book.

if i had nine dollars, i would buy a bottle of jasmine breeze lotion.

if i had ten dollars, i would buy a pair of thorlos.

sometimes it rains, but socks never fall from the sky.

did you watch the grammys last night? you might have noticed eminem was wearing a sort of smallish medallion on a long chain around his neck. not your typical rapper bling. at first glance it appeared to be the deathly hallows which of course makes a lot of sense because we all know mr mathers is a huge harry potter fan. but that is not what it was. it was mr mathers's AA pendant. and, nothing says "anonymous" like wearing your addiction around your neck in front of millions of people.

did you hear that bill maher identified bill o'reilly as disrespectful of our president? politics aside, when someone calls our president a "retard" you really can't deny that's disprespectful. fyi - it was mr maher that called george w bush a "retard", during mr bush's time in office. kettle? pot? eh? what?

did you see where tiger woods spit on the 12th green at the dubai open over the weekend? spitting is apparently way against the rules of the european tour of which the dubai open is a tournament. so far way against the rules that tiger is likely to be fined $16,000. SIXTEEN THOUSAND BUCKS! that's nothing to spit at! wait...

did you know that many people use ellipses incorrectly? not that i am one of those people, but i always thought ellipses of three dots indicated a bit of skipped, edited, removed, or missing copy and four dots indicated a bit of such copy plus a punctuation mark known as the "period". i have recently learned from the chicago manual of style answer lady that the four dots indicate a bit of missing copy and the three dots indicate a trailing thought. gosh, answer lady, are you sure? what about punctuation...? one wonders...

i still don't have anything to say, but i am sure covering well, eh?

so we were heading home this evening and i was looking in the neighbors's windows as one will do while riding in the car, and i noticed those folks on the corner still have their christmas tree up. full up and peeking out the window was a 6ft evergreen decorated with large gold and red baubles. must be a fake to be still green, or else it's actually living there in the house. maybe it's not a christmas tree at all, but they have for instance a red and gold color scheme in that room, so they just happen to have an evergreen decorated to match. or perhaps it is their christmas tree and that's not a frequented room but rather a storage room so they just move the fully decorated fake tree in there and leave it from year to year. or, they're simply not done with christmas yet. or, they're quite lazy. perhaps they are on vacation, or they've moved and left the furnished house for sale (no yard sign?) or they could be dead inside there.

thoughts?

what are you looking at??

i have nothing to say to you. NOTHING. nadazipzilch. empty barren eggwhite eggshell cracked on the floor walking on eggshells walking on glass half full half empty basement bottom level ground floor storey stairs elevator escalator see you later alligator crocadile lyle lyle turtleneck sweater betty bets better casino at the shore leaves you wanting more sand in your shoes with the shells in the mood for a song for a laugh for a walk for a smile for a hug for a kiss for a valentine won't you be mine sadie hawkins dance in my khaki pants why are you always reading into things when it's only a song a kid singing having fun just being a kid making up the words as you go along to the swings the first to the swings gets the best swing the highest swing is the noisest the carts left the course mr jefferson i think we're lost frost nost post cost mossed stone rolling stone going on home et's calling egypt's falling fires and wires and got your cables crossed in your cable knit sweater keeping warm styling filing your nails on the hood of his ford do you think he even notices the color of your polish are you polish i am not polish are you polished maybe but that is not for me to say say my playmate come out and play with me and bring your dollies three four open the door five six pick up sticks and make a pile in a teepee shape and light the fire of the pyre the pyre fire in the briar pyre fire mire of the mule on the way to school would you call her a fool if she doodled the dool and drool like a baby with your slobber and your fooler and your blankie and your naptime wraptime going go to bat time bat channel watching the teevee having a party eating some cake and cream and coffee in your cup lap it up that's enough.

how i spent my winter vacation

monday night i didn't feel too great and tuesday morning i knew it would be unfair to my coworkers to bring whatever i had into the office. by tuesday afternoon i had a fever and called the doctor who kindly faxed in a rx for tamiflu. no fever yesterday and i was going to head into the office today but got a bonus day because the office is closed due to the weather conditions. i don't have a fever but i feel all dreamy and disconnected, you know, like how it feels when you have a fever. so why do i feel that way if i don't have a fever? i am too tired to do anything but i feel guilty for just sitting here. my old man's moving his stuff into our new closet which finally doesn't smell like paint, and i'd move mine, but the effort seems completely daunting. and he's moving so fast and energetically. where does that energy come from? so tired. i need a nap.

a whole week goes by, and this is all you can come up with?

when we moved into grammabec's we did some scavenging in the attic and found uncle billfunny's old army uniforms. the sum total of what i know about uncle billfunny's time in the army was "he went to 'nam". i guess that was supposed to explain everything and i don't actually even know if he really went. anyway the point is that we found some of his clothes and there was this pair of khakis that fit me perfectly. he was obviously a smallish guy. so i took those khakis and started wearing them all the time. i wore them until i got too tall for them, and then i cut them off and made shorts and wore them many more years. they're gone now, i don't know where, but when i had them, they were brilliant. more recently i was scavenging through mini-me's room and found this sweatshirt that is similarly brilliant. it fits just right. it's so comfortable. i don't even like pullover hoodies and i love this sweatshirt. in conclusion, sometimes we find clothes that we really like.

honeydew

honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon,
sweet as honey on the vine.
honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon,
honey do say you'll be mine.

honey's house is next to my house.
honey and i we are friends.
honey likes jake and jake don't like me.
that's not where the story ends.

honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon,
sweet as honey on the vine.
honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon,
honey do say you'll be mine.

honey and jake they were kissing
down behind the old oak tree.
she came home but he's gone missing.
now you want to talk to me.

honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon
sweet as honey on the vine.
honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon
honey do say you'll be mine.

the river runs below that oak tree,
bet that water's awful cold.
i can't tell you where's jake's gone to.
i can't say what i don't know.

honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon
sweet as honey on the vine.
honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon
honey do say you'll be mine.

jake told honey that he loved her.
honey said she loved him too.
i was there i heard her say it.
i did not know what else to do.

honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon
sweet as honey on the vine.
honeydew - ah!
honeydew melon
honey someday you'll be mine.

patrice

patrice couldn't believe she overslept. well, she could believe it. after all, there was no denying hat it happened. she just couldn't believe it. forgetting to set the alarm was not the sort of thing patrice did. then, between rinsing and repeating, she realised she had not made the current mortgage payment. she replayed the monthly bill-paying session in her mind, and when she got to the mortgage, she could't remember releasing that payment online. in what for patrice constituted a panic, she finished her toilette, dressed, and logged into the bank's website. safely tucked into the list of payments for this month was the mortgage. well, thank god she'd paid it, but what the hell was up with her thinking she didn't, not being able to remember it?