the last day of march

what would you do if you had a whole day just to yourself?

have a long run, take a nice hot shower, eat a bunch of chinese food, read a good book, and take a nap. and of course the weather would have to be like 55-60 degrees and cloudy with a slight drizzle.

ride my bicycle to the library, take my time picking out a bunch of books, take them all home in my knapsack, stopping along the way for that great taco salad from baja burrito, and go home to sit on the deck and read the books and eat the salad. on this day it is sunny, about 75, mild.

do a couple loads of laundry, catch up on the filing, clean the front porch, then sit down and relax in front of the teevee, watch some merlins or flip around for an old movie, have some tea and graham crackers. this day is cloudy, warm, windy, a small thunderstorm is brewing.

go downtown for breakfast, then to get a pedicure, prance around with my shiney toes, prance to starbux for a coffee at the sidewalk table on the side of the building in the shade, watch the cars go by, then prance the block to the thrift store to hunt for treasures, maybe some big fancy sunglasses encrusted with rhinestones, then prance back downtown for a sweet yogurt treat from sweet cece's. and this day is hot, 85 degrees, the sun is bright and the air is still.

what would you do?

all about ace!

coffee: starbucks caffe verona
pen or pencil: pen
mint: spear
rocker: billy joel
school subject: maths
author: laurie r king
wine: vinho verde
country singer: taylor swift
pizza: pepperoni & mushroom
movie: man from snowy river
sport to play: soccer
sport to watch: american football
colors: periwinkle, forest, silver
new music: mumford & sons
condiment: ketchup
book: andrew henry's meadow
lip balm: burt's bees
fruit: banana
toy: yoyo
casual restaurant: jason's
car: jeep cj5
tv show: merlin
candy: maple sugar
playground equipment: swings
vacation spot: mountains
day: monday
month: october
shape: polyhedron
city: chicago
precious metal: sterling silver
body of water: lach brigadoon
balloon animal: giraffe
musical instrument to play: harmonica
musical instrument to hear: bagpipes
shoes: chucks
time of day: twilight
toilet paper: cottonelle
late night: craig ferguson
headache relief: tylenol
tartan: duncan
big box: target
dog: boston terrier
flower: queen anne's lace
gum: trident cimmanon
tree: cedar
app: scramble
season: autumn

skittles

i am so completely worn out by links that open new windows. hey, we get it -- target="_blank" -- good for you, buddy! you mastered HTML from 1998! w00t! yeah - jeez, enough with the new window. e. nuf. i clicked a link. i purposefully made a choice to venture forth into webternetdom. if i can't find my way back, it's not like i am going to starve in the wilderness. just. let. me. gooooo!!!

i was perusing news of the weird to see if there was anything interesting to report to you, but in accordance with its freakishly outdated multiwindow opening technique, the news appearing under a header with today's date is all datestamped with 2009 dates. the only logical conclusion is that there is no current news of the weird and the only logical reason for that is that people are no longer weird nor doing weird things.

good job, everyone!

i can't give you any pictures because i didn't stop and take any but i can show you a couple comics i read while waiting on the traffic signals.

my carpoolmate texted at 6:47 that she wouldn't be joining me. the HOV lane starts at 7, so if i'm solo i like to get on the road by 6:30. 6:47 occurs after 6:30. pluswise, i was aiming at being ready to leave mi casa at 7, so i simply wasn't ready at 6:47. in conclusion, no HOV for me today.

so i was faced with the choice of hitting the freeway and scrabbling with the rabble into the city. blech. some days i am feeling the nascar and some days i just don't feel like bringing out that part of me. not to say that freeway driving is competitive because that's wacked out. it's just that all those wankers are so freaking determined to get in my way.


there is inevitably someone doing 45, someone changing lanes without using their blinker, someone putting on her makeup, talking on his phone, lecturing the kid in the backseat. gah! drivers should have to take a TEST before getting behind the wheel!

right.

so.

i decided to take the back roads, the long way. should have done that last week when it was spring break, i was solo all week and school was out so the backroads traffic would have been less, but then see, i was solo and knew it, prepared for it, and on the road by 6:30. didn't need the optional route.

i wasn't sure how it was going to go because i don't know where the school zones are so i was pleasantly surprised to only have one SZ between me and the office. it's true that the average mph wasn't over 45, but backroads are not the freeway, are they now? no, they are not. there's not an expectation of going over 45. takes a bit of the pressure off.


the scenery was magnificent. trees in bloom. green, green grassy lawns. grey mossy stone walls, white wooden fences, imposing brick & iron gates. there were some beautiful houses back in there, but too far from the road for me to get a good look at them. i basically know what all's back there - been this way before - didn't need to see it today to know the estates are luxurious, the homes are ginormous, and the residents are pompous.

okay, i don't know the residents, maybe they're not pompous, but what are the chances for humility in neighborhoods like that. pluswise, i was going with the symmetry of the -ous suffix words.

although i arrived before the starting bell would have been ringing, i got to work a bit later than usual and was concerned my parking spot would have been being taken. but, it was not! a relaxing ride in, lovely scenery, no fuss no muss, and even my parking spot waiting on me.

what a great way to start the week - the world revolving around ol' ace.

aces. undo ass. nuf beer.

look - my level was ACES!

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the way it works out sometimes

the iphone made that funny buzzing noise it makes when you've got it on silent+buzz and you get an email or something, so i looked at my watch and it was 5:37. i had set the alarm for 5, so this was not a good start. i went to look at the iphone to see what notification caused it to buzz, and it said it was my turn in "words with mini-me" but mini-me last played a turn 7 hours ago, so why did it buzz? and why did that buzzing wake me up? don't look a gift notification in the buzz, i guess.

so i got up and turned on the coffee and drank a little water and had a little coffee and a banana, took a shower, put on tights and two shirts and of course shorts over the tights because i am a loser, and put my heel lift into my running shoes and strapped them on over the nearly-brand-new thorlos that didn't know they were going home with a non-runner or they'd never have jumped into my hands that day at academy sports.

gathered my stuff and headed to the car, back upstairs for towels in case of rain, and goodbye to my old man who was getting out of bed to go golfing, good luck with your running, good luck with your golf. into the car to drive an hour to go running, and i don't know whether it's the running itself makes me miss speedy so much as the driving. she & i, like fugitives we'd head out of town in the dark to get somewhere and get in a few miles before the day was shot, amos lee or the killers in the player but turned down because who can talk with the music on?

i headed out of town by myself, heading west into the darkness that clung to the horizon not done being night, not ready to give way to the day. and i turned on the radio and searched for music, and there wasn't much, but i needed those djs and those commercials and those voices. i couldn't put in a cd and be alone. west i went for an hour and still reached the meeting spot before they did, so i used the time wisely for a pit stop at the bp.

we all piled into her van and headed over to the church parking lot. we debated whether it would rain, we questioned our wardrobe choices, we accepted or declined a bottled water, searched for lip balm, adjusted our socks. we piled out again at the church, registered the little linebacker, who'd only just decided to join us, and all pinned on our bibs before taking a warm up lap around the block. we got back in time to stretch just a bit, then they lined us up and said "go".

i had told baby einstein this was his race. i picked out three likely candidates before we lined up and pointed them out to him. "you stay with them," i told him, deeply sorry i could not pace him myself. "you stay with them and when you feel a little tired, you try harder, or you feel like letting them go, just don't. you stay with them and i want you puking when we're done." he laughed.

so we lined up and started, and baby einstein took off. i yelled at him to GO! as he disappeared around a corner, and the little linebacker said to stop embarrassing him and by him he meant him, the little linebacker, not baby einstein. the LL tends a bit towards self-centeredness. it took us about half a block to sort out that mama goose was going to take off and run her race and that i would be babysitting the LL. fine, whatever, i've been injured so it's not like i can really run.

the thing about the LL is that he doesn't like running. i have absolutely not a single inkling of a clue of an idea why he was out there and i am also not quite clear why i got the job of keeping track of him, but they didn't stop traffic for this tiny 5k, so no... i wasn't going to just leave him.

i encouraged him and berated him. i told him he could do this! i called him lazy. i told him i'd run off and leave him, and i told him we could walk a bit. i gave him goals - that arrow in the road, that lightpost, that next driveway, just make it that far and we'll see how you feel. [mini-me probably still has nightmares about that technique.] he said his legs hurt and his side hurt and his lungs hurt and i am convinced he wasn't thirsty when he stopped for water. he just wanted to walk. but damned if i was going to spend more than 45 minutes on this project, so i kept at it.

i held his hand and pulled him up the final hill and when we could see the finish, i just kept telling him to run faster! run faster! don't stop now! run! run! and then we were done and i hugged him and said i was so proud of him, and he said "for what? i could have done better." and i thought like hell you could, buddy.

baby einstein came in 3rd, right behind arm-warmer guy and old guy, ahead of hat man and the girls from the high school. mama goose said, "he doesn't feel well." which was a bit of an understatment since he was clearly barely holding his own against his rising bile. i told him i was proud of him, that there is no way he could question whether he put his all into this race. he smiled, and laid down there in the grass, and went to sleep.

in about 10 minutes he was recovered a bit and collected his age group award. no mention that he was 3rd overall. mama goose won her [our!] age group, and the little linebacker got an award for being under 12 years old and finishing. yeah, he's under 12. was i too hard on him? do i care? i didn't get any awards but later at cracker barrel, mama goose paid for my multi-grain granola pancakes. those were fun companions on the long drive home, let me tell you.

books 2011

currently:
the angels game
[carlos ruiz zafon]

complete:
they almost always come home
[christina ruchti]
lifeguard training manual
[red cross]
the broker
[john grisham]
queste
[angie sage]
the things we do for love
[kristin hannah]
physik
[angie sage]

what's on YOUR ipod?

adele
airborne toxic event
alkaline trio
all american rejects
amos lee
angels & airwaves
anna nalick
the avett brothers
barenaked ladies
bell x1
ben folds
billy joel
black rebel motorcycle club
bob schneider
bowling for soup
the bravery
bruce cockburn
carole king
cheap trick
christopher cross
copeland
the cranberries
crosby, stills, nash, & young
dan fogelberg
daniel lanois
david grey
death cab for cutie
dixie chicks
doobie brothers
the eagles
elton john
fall out boy
finger eleven
foo fighters
franz ferdinand
george strait
gomez
good charlotte
jackson browne
jason mraz
jimmy buffett
john butler trio
john mayer
jukebox the ghost
the killers
los lonely boys
lynyrd skynyrd
marcy playground
motion city soundtrack
needtobreathe
oasis
p.o.d.
phil collins
queen
the rasmus
ray lamontagne
rooney
saving abel
senator and the new republic
shawn mullins
social distortion
something corporate
squeeze
stacy clark
tom petty
train
the wallflowers
the who

it's weird to me that hiroshima & nagasaki & auschwitz & nuremburg are all the same war. the former seem somehow modern while the latter seem ancient.

unless you've been living under a rock or something, you know that japan's in a bit of a bad way just now. a 9.0 earthquake and the ensuing tsunami wreaked devastation up and down the li'l isle, including some fairly frightening damage to a couple nuclear facilities which are now leaking radiation or radioactive material or somesuch toxicity. so the folk there in japan are battling a nuclear disaster again. again, you say? yes, again, you dolt. ever heard of ww2? hiroshima? nagasaki? eh? what? now, today, squads and fleets and troops of usa soldiers are in japan providing relief in the face of the current crisis, relief in the form of medical assistance, food and clean water distribution, rescue and rebuilding efforts. compare and contrast the current usa relief efforts with the bombing of hiroshima and nagasaki. 500-750 words.

duh-nuh-nuh -- nuh-nuh-nuh -- nuh-nuh -- nuh-nuh -- duh-nuh-nuh -- nuh-nuh-nuh -- my panera!

we went to panera tonight because we like to eat there and i was all "i have a my-panera card and i think it has a birthday gift on it" and the cashier guy looked it up and sure enough, i had a free dinner and two free pastries. go my-panera! you should get you a my-panera card and also i suggest registering your starbux card. starbux gives you a free drink for your birthday, and i don't mean a free 'drink', i mean a FREE DRINK!! i got a venti skinny cimmanon dolchay lattay with like a half dozen shots in it, which is a $8+ drink. free! FREE. fah-reee-hee. you tell them no more information than is available in a phone book, and they track how often you come in, and give you free stuff.

it's like your old fashion general store where the proprietor knows you and gives you a couple pieces free candy for the kiddos or whatever, only now it's someone in an office somewhere compiling your data with a bunch of other data to analyze trends. there are folks who are concerned about giving away their personal information in exchange for free stuff, but it's not like that someone in that somewhere office is looking at YOU. don't flatter yourself. you are just a needle in their haystack. they don't care about YOU, they care about the the you-ness of you, the ur-you. it's less personal than the general store proprietor, and a helluva lot more lucrative.

all the sights of paris, fell inside your iris.

last night i dreamt
we flew to paris.
just you
and me.
i do not know why we were there.
business? pleasure?
all i know is that we had a purpose
and a timeline
and a handwritten list on a notebook page.
(one of us had doodled an aeroplane in the lower right corner.)
all i know is that we had a purpose
and that we were together
last night
just you
and me.

would you say that coffee is tea's nemesis, or would you say that tea's nemesis is perhaps tonic water?

it was one of those days where lots of things are going on but nothing's getting done. i generally arrive at work around your basic 7:15 in the morn, and a couple my colleagues are there then, but most trickle in around 8, 8:30, 9. that's fine, i don't care, they work later than i, that's not the point. the point is that i'm there at 7:15, all coffee'd up and ready to hit it by 7:45. on the other end of the day, i am checking out while my colleagues are peaking. thank you mr tomlinson for inventing the asynchronous communication system we know as email.

speaking of asynchronous, what about ol' bruce pearl? being thrown under the bus, he is. not that i think pearl's been the paragon of honesty, but c'mon - mike hamilton is the one with whom the buck stops. investigations into the football program, the basketball program, the baseball program... when does the AD have to answer for this shizzle, eh?

hey, i'd love to stay around and chat about haircuts and pedicures and how i need both, but chuck's picking a new intersect. very important!

if you are good, i will give you the answers next week.

The 100 civics (history and government) questions and answers for the naturalization test are listed below. The civics test is an oral test and the USCIS Officer will ask the applicant up to 10 of the 100 civics questions. An applicant must answer 6 out of 10 questions correctly to pass the civics portion of the naturalization test.

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT

----A: Principles of American Democracy
1. What is the supreme law of the land?
2. What does the Constitution do?
3. The idea of self-government is in the first three words of the Constitution. What are these words?
4. What is an amendment?
5. What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution?
6. What is one right or freedom from the First Amendment?
7. How many amendments does the Constitution have?
8. What did the Declaration of Independence do?
9. What are two rights in the Declaration of Independence?
10. What is freedom of religion?
11. What is the economic system in the United States?
12. What is the "rule of law"?

----B: System of Government
13. Name one branch or part of the government.
14. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful?
15. Who is in charge of the executive branch?
16. Who makes federal laws?
17. What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress?
18. How many U.S. Senators are there?
19. We elect a U.S. Senator for how many years?
20. Who is one of your statefs U.S. Senators now?
21. The House of Representatives has how many voting members?
22. We elect a U.S. Representative for how many years?
23. Name your U.S. Representative.
24. Who does a U.S. Senator represent?
25. Why do some states have more Representatives than other states?
26. We elect a President for how many years?
27. In what month do we vote for President?
28. What is the name of the President of the United States now?
29. What is the name of the Vice President of the United States now?
30. If the President can no longer serve, who becomes President?
31. If both the President and the Vice President can no longer serve, who becomes President?
32. Who is the Commander in Chief of the military?
33. Who signs bills to become laws?
34. Who vetoes bills?
35. What does the Presidentfs Cabinet do?
36. What are two Cabinet-level positions?
37. What does the judicial branch do?
38. What is the highest court in the United States?
39. How many justices are on the Supreme Court?
40. Who is the Chief Justice of the United States now?
41. Under our Constitution, some powers belong to the federal government. What is one power of the federal government?
42. Under our Constitution, some powers belong to the states. What is one power of the states?
43. Who is the Governor of your state now?
44. What is the capital of your state?
45. What are the two major political parties in the United States?
46. What is the political party of the President now?
47. What is the name of the Speaker of the House of Representatives now?

----C: Rights and Responsibilities
48. There are four amendments to the Constitution about who can vote. Describe one of them.
49. What is one responsibility that is only for United States citizens?
50. Name one right only for United States citizens.
51. What are two rights of everyone living in the United States?
52. What do we show loyalty to when we say the Pledge of Allegiance?
53. What is one promise you make when you become a United States citizen?
54. How old do citizens have to be to vote for President?
55. What are two ways that Americans can participate in their democracy?
56. When is the last day you can send in federal income tax forms?
57. When must all men register for the Selective Service?


AMERICAN HISTORY

----A: Colonial Period and Independence
58. What is one reason colonists came to America?
59. Who lived in America before the Europeans arrived?
60. What group of people was taken to America and sold as slaves?
61. Why did the colonists fight the British?
62. Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
63. When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?
64. There were 13 original states. Name three.
65. What happened at the Constitutional Convention?
66. When was the Constitution written?
67. The Federalist Papers supported the passage of the U.S. Constitution. Name one of the writers.
68. What is one thing Benjamin Franklin is famous for?
69. Who is the "Father of Our Country"?
70. Who was the first President?

----B: 1800s
71. What territory did the United States buy from France in 1803?
72. Name one war fought by the United States in the 1800s.
73. Name the U.S. war between the North and the South.
74. Name one problem that led to the Civil War.
75. What was one important thing that Abraham Lincoln did?
76. What did the Emancipation Proclamation do?
77. What did Susan B. Anthony do?

----C: Recent American History and Other Important Historical Information
78. Name one war fought by the United States in the 1900s.
79. Who was President during World War I?
80. Who was President during the Great Depression and World War II?
81. Who did the United States fight in World War II?
82. Before he was President, Eisenhower was a general. What war was he in?
83. During the Cold War, what was the main concern of the United States?
84. What movement tried to end racial discrimination?
85. What did Martin Luther King, Jr. do?
86. What major event happened on September 11, 2001, in the United States?
87. Name one American Indian tribe in the United States.


INTEGRATED CIVICS

----A: Geography
88. Name one of the two longest rivers in the United States.
89. What ocean is on the West Coast of the United States?
90. What ocean is on the East Coast of the United States?
91. Name one U.S. territory.
92. Name one state that borders Canada.
93. Name one state that borders Mexico.
94. What is the capital of the United States?
95. Where is the Statue of Liberty?

----B: Symbols
96. Why does the flag have 13 stripes?
97. Why does the flag have 50 stars?
98. What is the name of the national anthem?

----C: Holidays
99. When do we celebrate Independence Day?
100. Name two national U.S. holidays.

celebrating with quad shot cimmanon dolchay lattay + five guys grilled cheese sammich may have been a miscalculation of my personal digestive acuity.

i am a lifeguard.

did you ever have any doubt? JEEZ! way to believe in me. gosh.

today was test day. first we took the written test and i made 100. that's right, 100. perfect. did not miss a single one. yipee ki yay! then we did the CPR and the instructor did not correct me one time nor did i have to repeat any part of it. go me! then we did the swimming and first we did active drowning victim, and i called for the backboard which is unnecessary with active drowning, but better to have a backboard you don't need than to not have one that you do, eh? YES. then we did passive drowning victim, and that's the one you call for a backboard, which i did, and so that one was okay. then we did passive submerged victim which is my worst thing, and i did get really close to having to do it again, but after a bit of a struggle it all came together.

then, we were done with the deep water part and we all went to the walking pool and did facedown unconscious drowning victim with suspicion of head, neck, or back injury in shallow water. that's a group project and we all did really well at it. i was impressed with us. the trickiest part of it is the head & chin support, also known as the canadian roll.


in this pic, the lifeguard and victim are already face up, but to get that way, the lifeguard has to roll the victim and it's a suspected neck or back injury, so you just can't go rolling them around. you grasp the victim in the head & chin support hold (aka "vice grip") then you start slowly moving forward because this keeps the vic's spine aligned, then you roll under the victim, putting the vic face up, then you have to regain your footing because the entire time you have that momentum of the forward motion you initiated. whew. yes, it's complicated. and, difficult. you amateurs should not attempt this maneuver.

but after it was all over, we all passed. i jumped around a little which is a pretty clear violation of the deck rules, so i am sure the lifeguard on duty was like, stop it you idiot. TOO BAD!

elvis has committed to supplying the hoodie.

as god is my witness, i will not be nettled again!

munch your madding masticatibles!

pop your pestering polyisobutylene!

hum your harrying hummingness!

i am free!

I AM SENNHEISER!!

testsaturdaysaturdaytesttestsaturdaysaturdaytesttestsaturdaysaturdaytesttestsaturdaysaturdaytesttestsaturdaysaturdaytesttestsaturdaysaturdaytesttestsa

note that a person with a physical disability (such as the loss of a leg) might have to modify a stroke but that person's unique swimming style can soon be recognized.

anyone who is submerged or floating facedown and motionless for 30 seconds should be considered a passive drowning victim. lifeguards should check the victim's condition immediately. if the victim is conscious and was just holding his or her breath, the patron needs to be directed to stop doing so.

water slides are long, winding slides usually made of fiberglass or concrete.

be careful not to strike other patrons when extending the reaching pole or shepherd's crook to the victim during the assist.

clean up spills immediately or as soon as possible after the spill occurs.

do not touch the victim while defibrillating. someone could be shocked.

of the 7000 people bitten by snakes each year in the united states, less than five die.

child and infant resuscitation masks are available and should be used to care for children and infants.

when assisting an emergency childbirth, do not hold the woman's knees together, this will not slow the birth process and may complicate the birth or harm the baby.

to care for burns, first stop the burning by removing the person from the source of the burn.

a victim who can talk is conscious and breathing.

when conducting surveillance, lifeguards should look for behavior that indicates a patron needs immediate assistance.

someone with a complete airway obstruction cannot cough, speak or breathe. get consent before helping a choking victim.

to be a successful professional lifeguard, candidates must work hard and be dedicated.

tomorrow is st paddy's day. don't forget to wear green!

i lost my heel lift at soccer yesterday. i mean, i had it at soccer, but i didn't have it today, so i lost it somewhere between here and there. today at lifeguarding i pulled on goggles too hard and popped off the little plastic buckle so they're basically broken. wardrobe malfunctions all around.

pinata? yes, i would take a pinata.

i have a birthday coming up so if you were wondering what to get me, books are always good. or, you could get me that lifeguard hoodie (pending my passing the test). i like coffee, so that's always on the wish list. i appreciate an acknowledgment, the casual "happy birthday", a card, an email, definitely a gift is good. what i do not appreciate is when someone! is! happier! than! i! am! about! my! birthday! c'mon now. lay off a bit. really. you should always take the cue from the celebrant and honor their wishes. don't make me hurt your feelings by telling you to back off. because i will.

cake has been together 20 years. who knew?

okay so i googled me up some pisces because i am a pisces and i do so love to read about myself. surprisingly, the wikipedia article rose quite close to the top. i know, right? the fascinating thing about wikipedia is that most anyone can edit it. i have highlighted a couple key sentences below that strike me as freaking hilarious. looks as though there is a little wiki-talkie going on. [what is wiki-talkie? it's a word i just made up for when two or more people use wiki articles to send messages to each other. good word, huh? yeah, i am brilliant that way.]

Pisces (♓) is the twelfth astrological sign in the Zodiac, which started from the Pisces constellation. In astrology, Pisces is considered a feminine, negative (introvert) sign.

It is also considered a water sign and one of the four mutable signs. (Mutable signs have a longing for movement and are extremely restless. Pisces is the most watery sign. It is constantly trying to adapt itself to its ever-changing feelings and to the moods and whims of others, allbeit a little obnoxious sometimes.)

Pisces has been traditionally ruled by the planet Jupiter, but since its discovery, Neptune has been considered a modern ruler of this sign. Being the twelfth sign, Pisces is associated with the astrological twelfth house.

Generally, the natives of Pisces are considered to be compatible with the natives of the other water signs, Scorpio and Cancer, and the natives of the earth signs, Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn. Gemini and Sagittarius are signs of the other nature (masculine/extroverted), but are considered semi-compatible with Pisces due to them having the same mutable quality. A quality which should be exercised more often under certain circumstances.

oh, yeah, and p.s. - i am not lazy! i am styling.

books 2011

currently:
lifeguard training manual
[red cross]

complete:
the broker
[john grisham]
queste
[angie sage]
the things we do for love
[kristin hannah]
physik
[angie sage]

hypothetically... a company has a loyalty incentive program and customers can earn stuff based on purchase levels. the stuff could be a discount or free shipping or free merchandise and it's delivered as a code sent by email that the customer can then key into the website order form or tell the customer service rep if they call an order in. one coupon code is used for all loyalty customers, so the company doesn't know one loyalty customer from another and - here's the key - doesn't know if the people using the codes are even actually loyalty customers at all. so, someone who didn't earn the reward can get the reward. would you share a coupon code you did earn with people who didn't earn it? would you use a coupon you didn't earn? is there an ethic involved here, or is it every man for himself in the wild world of coupon sharing?

picture pages, picture pages! time to get your picture pages! time to get your crayons and your pencils!

67890!!

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68086!!

i was going to get you a 68286 and a 68386, but both times i was occupied with hurtling down the freeway... er... i mean, conservatively obeying all traffic laws. anyway, they happened, and so you will simply have to take my word for it.

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i snapped this shot at the local kmart. it's a ratty little store, but still better than walmart, which is a ratty ginormous store. all the construction happened around here in a boom about 10 years ago, and now everything is just rat-tat-tatty. but i digress. if you observe closely here, you can see kmart's new shelving scheme appears to be alphabetical. bean bags... bullets... it's inventive, i must say, but could make locating merch a bit of a challenge.

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i spend way too much time at doctors offices, but even i wonder why you'd have your rubber gloves in the restroom (where this sign was posted inside the stall) and why you'd feel compelled to flush them.

my foot itches.

my brain is tired. this lifeguard training is rough. the kids don't seem to be having quite as much trouble with it, so one must conclude that my old brain is out of learning practice. also, if the kids fail, well that's their parents's money down the drain, oh well. if i fail, it's my money! my! money! the class costs $125, so it's not exactly cheap, is it? IS IT? no, no it's not! must study! must learn! must past the test! study! learn! pass! studylearnpass!!

this calm attitude will probably help me not choke on the test.

JEEZ.

eyes on the prize, ace. keep your eyes on the prize.

livebloggin from the squat lot

i'm squatting in a reserved parking lot because the first appt was over more quickly than i thought it would be. i thought the 2 appts would be back to back but i found myself with an hour to kill. well, 45 mins after the valet finally retrieved my car, and you know, after i realized i had time to kill and left the waiting room where i guess i thought i was just going to wait... an hour? *sigh*

idiot.

i do hope the security doesn't come by to kick me out while i eat my egg white and turkey bacon sammich + grande skinny cimmanon dolce latte. mmmm!! have you seen the new starbux logo? they say that removing "coffee" from the logo frees them up to serve things besides coffee. see, i didn't realize the logo police would enforce something like that. no wonder jack in the box is going bankrupt.

do you remember irony?

my lifeguard training teacher has a tattoo on her neck, and the tattoo is in hebrew. is that irony? i get confused. what is irony? what is confusion?

tonight at lifeguarding we learned about rescue breathing. tomorrow i am having PFTs (google it!) and so i have been off my meds all day and am a bit tired and wheezy. is that irony?

- rescue breathing -

1. if you see someone who is just lying there, check to be sure the area is clear, such as the victim is not lying on a downed power line.

2. try to rouse the victim because nothing scares a sleeping sunbather more than being awoken by someoen breathing into their mouth.

3. if they don't respond, immediately get a specific person to call 911 and retrieve the AED.

4. check the victim to see if they're breathing by putting your face near their mouth and watching their chest for no more than 10 seconds.

5. place your breathing barrier over the victim's mouth and nose, tilt the victim's head back, and give two quick rescue breaths.

6. if the victim's chest visibly rises, continue to step 8, and if it does not, try again to tilt the victim's head and give two rescue breaths, and if the victim's chest still doesn't rise, you need to clear the blocked airway.

7. to clear the airway, give 5 quick firm chest compressions, check the mouth, sweep any obstructions, and try the quick rescue breaths again.

8. when the breaths succeed in making the chest rise, check for a pulse, and if you find a pulse without breathing, start the rescue breathing.

9. give 1 breath every 3 seconds for infants and children, and 1 breath every 5 seconds for adults, in both cases proceed for 2 minutes and after two minutes check again to see if the victim is breathing on their own and also to be sure they still have a pulse.

10. when the victim is breathing and has a pulse, place them in the recovery position.

- end -

just typed all that from memory! go, my memory! it's been a while since i've sat for a test, so i am a bit concerned about the state of my memory. hanging in there, my memory! you da memory!

sundayintheafternoon

i have spent the entire day sorting out my personal finances. i have no time for you people. you will simply have to invent your own fun.

is it, like, a chiropractic guild?

we've just come from seeing the adjustment bureau and i'd give this must-see status. it's a fairy tale of sorts, a love story, a morality tale, an adventure. the plot's predictable, but unexpected. the characters are solid, real, yet fantastical. it will answer questions, if you like, or make you curious, if that's what you want. it will make you think or allow you not to.

it will entertain you, if you let it.

pork. give me a freakin break.

today marks the end of a era as the pork industry replaces its iconic 'The Other White Meat' slogan with 'Pork Be Inspired'. i am not sure there whether they are wanting to indicate that we should be inspired by pork or that the pork itself should be inspired. i am kinda hoping for the former because i am really not wanting my porks to be painting pictures or choreographing operettas. however, if it's the former then i am just going to have to point out here that nothing says "inspired" quite like a tired slogan.

HAHA. that's sarcasm, for y'all that're keeping score at home.

the other white meat is an intriguing motto because it begs the question "what is the original white meat?". it's like i would say to you, "did you go to joe's party?" and you're all, "no, i went to the other party." and i'd be like, "what other party?" and you'd say, "the pork one." get it? we've established joe's party as the party of the first part, so when you say "other" then we have some context. pork is the "other" white meat. what's the context? in this case, the context is the original white meat: veal. so you can see right there the sort of competition that ol' porky was up against, because who doesn't love a nice fat slab of milk fed, cage raised, baby cow?

why did the pork industry want to move away from such an intriguing slogan? well, apparently it was a bit too aloof. the pork industry has decided to try to build an "emotional connection" with its meat. they could take a lesson from ol' charlotte here, don'tcha think? she really had a handle on how to create that man+pork bond, weaving her delicate strands of love. but effectiveness aside, this tag line begs a whole nother question - do we really want folks emotionally bonding with their food? don't we have enough dietary issues in this country without inspiring pork fetishes?

the end.

the announcer just said - he threw a dead fish up there and it fell in the basket, but i thought it was a basketball. maybe his basketball is a fish.

firstly, the article was titled "free ways to save money" and what the hell kind of way to save money includes spending money? jeez!

- free financial planning may be offered by the company that handles your retirement plan. yes, and it's surprising how often their planning advice includes "put more of your money with us". why, this one place can handle all your finances - who knew?

- a growing number of credit card companies offer free extended warranties as an incentive for purchasing with their card. really? the advice here is save money by getting a credit card? really?

- some utility companies conduct a free inspection of ducts, appliances, and electrical wiring, as well as calculating heat and air loss, and even provide free smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. wait. what? i am going to have to check this one out. for reals, yo.

- a growing number of health insurance companies now offer free, 24-hour nurse helplines for members. good luck getting any advice besides "go see your doctor". but you know, whatever. ring 'em up.

- free legal help is available for a variety of matters, including family, civil, and real estate law, all paid for by the government with your tax dollars. if it's paid for with my tax dollars, IT'S NOT FREE.

the end.

heads i win, tails you lose.

lifeguard training, class 2. we learned how to get up and down off the lifeguard stand. sounds easy, right? yeah, well IT'S NOT. (it snot! haha!)

here is how it goes. lifeguard one - L1 - is on the stand. L2 is going to relieve L1, so L2 comes up to the stand and says something like - i am here to relieve you. then L1 passes the tube to L2 and L2 takes the surveillance. L1 climbs down off the stand, and L2 passes the tube to L1 who takes the surveillance. L2 climbs up the stand. L1 hands the tube to L2. L2 takes the surveillance and L1 tells L2 any important info, such as if there are kids that have been messing about or if a swimmer has been struggling or something.

pretty elaborate, huh? well, it only takes 20 seconds for a swimmer to go under, so you've got to be efficient.

you're a LIFEguard, not, like, a cheeseburger guard. jeez.

one of the good things about having oatmeal for supper is that maybe you can sneak-eat a spoonful of brown sugar, but who would do that?? jeez.

whenever i get all het up over too much stuff to do, i print out a blank calendar and write out all the stuff into the proper little boxes. why? what good would that do? well with everything in it's proper little boxes, then i can see how much space there is. like, whether things are right next to each other or if there are some blank boxes and where the blank boxes are. it's analog time all over again. once i've put the stuff all into the boxes, that not only calgons away the stress but it really helps me remember everything, too. boxes are how i imagine days in my mind. every day is a little box. when i think of when someone's birthday is, i am actually remembering where it is.

at work, i use the calendar in outlook, and i usually just look at the given day, and i don't worry about stuff and nonsense. it's different at work because outlook will remind me of meetings and for long term stuff, well that's pretty much all we talk about in production, so calendars are just different at work.

but for me personally, it's analog all the way.