it's so dark i can't see my hands... maybe i don't have any hands!!! gah!!!

finished spider bones and it was reliably good. reichs's books tend to be a bit formulaic but then again, that is sort of the point. she writes anthropological thrillers. that's it. that's what she does, and why not? she's damn good at it. in case you don't know, her books are the basis of the teevee show bones. maybe you don't care, you don't watch television, you don't read books. WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME, DOOFELMONGER!

okay, so what else is new, eh? had some sardines for high tea, and i must say that sardines are quite the bomp, yes they are. what's that? you don't like them? well, more for me then! oily tinned fishies with their skins and their bones and their tails still on... mmmmm!! sardines + saltines = tru luv. i brought the wee tiny tinned fishies outside to have my meal on the lovely new deck furnishings because as much as i like sardines, i don't want my house smelling like 'em. so. that's what i did. but i thought i'd go back inside when it got dark, and i'd maybe do some laundry, but here's the thing about autumn: it freaking gets dark inahurry. it's like, la la la, nice afternoon, la la la, BOOMDARKNESS!!

and i don't want to do the laundry. i can still see the keyboard, so it's not too dark to blog... but of course the screen lights up the keyboard, so it's never too dark to blog. hmm.... what else can i see? i can still see the other end of the yard, and there is my stupid yardneighbor walking his yapping mutt out there on my yard, thinks i can't see him. HEY BUDDY - I SEE YOU!! stoopid frooker. probably having his chien take a poo in my yard. GET OFFA MY LAWN!! i can see my nextdoors's house where they are painting it again. sheesh. they are painting that thing all freaking the time! of course, we paint our house on the regular schedule of never, so what do i know.

here's a picture of my decklights.


they are dysfunctional. they are supposed to soak up sunlight all day long and then provide this sunlight back to us all night, but they only provide like 3 hours of sunlight after dark. i am fairly certain they just turn off when we go to bed because they are thinking "ah, the boss is gone!" but what they don't know is that sometimes we get back up and so we know they are turning off early. stoopid frookers. well, maybe not stoopid because they do know what a pain it would be to take them back to the store. that's why they are still perched up there like mr & mrs lovelylight, like they are so fabulous, like we don't know the TRUTH! mr & mrs lazylight is more like it! yeah! frookers. so they are sitting out there all day long every day just eating up all the sunlight and then turning off early. what are they doing with all that extra sunlight? probably shipping it off to sunlight processing plants that are secretly using sunlight to power giant robots that will take over the earth. scary frookers, that's what they are... scary!

books 2010

currently:

complete:
spider bones
[kathy reichs]
the coffee trader
[david liss]
a spot of bother
[mark haddon]
the dead fathers club
[matt haig]
harry potter & the deathly hallows
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the half blood prince
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the order of the phoenix
[jk rowling]
the ravenmaster's secret
[elvira woodruff]
harry potter & the goblet of fire
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the prisoner of azkaban
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the chamber of secrets
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the sorcerer's stone
[jk rowling]
the local news
[miriam gershow]
the magicians
[lev grossman]
benjamin pratt & the keepers of the school: we the children
[andrew clements]
water for elephants
[sara gruen]
the last child
[john hart]
the youngest templar: the keeper of the grail
[michael p. spradlin]
the last song
[nicholas sparks]
the magykal papers
[angie sage]
the memory of running
[ron mclarty]

take off, ya hosers!

let us turn our eyes to the north and what do we see? oh! canada?

the formal name of canada is... canada. go simplicity!

canada doesn't have states, it has 10 provinces and 3 territories*; Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, New Brunswick, Newfoundland and Labrador, Northwest Territories*, Nova Scotia, Nunavut*, Ontario, Prince Edward Island, Quebec, Saskatchewan, Yukon Territory*. 13 in all. before i looked in the good ol' cia factbook, i guessed 12 provinces, so i was a wee bit closer on the divisions of canada than i was on mexico. as far as i know, the difference between provinces and states is semantic, which of course means "it's freaking colder up there". the canadians seem to have an affinity for naming their divisions after dog breeds and places in britain.

on 1 july 1867 canada became "the union of british north american colonies" and on 11 december 1931 this arrangement was formally recognized by the UK. canadians celebrate their national holiday on 1 july, so good on ya canada for having your national day on your own terms and not on the brits's. now, being the "union of british north american colonies" doesn't sound "independent" to me, however - i am not canadian. the Constitution Act of 17 April 1982 officially turned over control of the constitution from britain to canada. 1982!! that's like, recently. sha.

the head of state is the queen of britain, queen elizabeth. the queen's representative is governor general michaelle jean, and the head of the canadian government is prime minister stephen joseph harper. how do the head of state, the queen's rep, and the head of government interact? good question. why'nt you go look that up and give me a report?

canada's ambassador to the US is gary doer. wonder if he's really active... you know... since he's a DOER. haha. seriously, though, wonder if that's disappointing. "we would like you, mr doer, to be ambassador to...." [he's thinking OMG france! say france! or italy! yeah! ooo - australia! say australia!] "... the USA! congratulations!" [and he's all like - usa. whoop dee doo. i'll pack a lunch because i can freaking commute there every day. sha.] the USA ambassador to canada is david jacobson and he was probably very excited about going to canada because you know all us USAs are complete eejits about our nextdoors so to us canada is completely exotic and foreign.

canada's official colors are red and white. again, go simplicity! the flag is a white square bordered on the hoist and the fly sides by red bands. [how do you like that, "hoist and fly" sides? i just learned that from the cia factbook. i admire the clarity and plan to see if i can use it tomorrow, in normal convo. i'll let you know how that turns out. i will probably forget.] in the white square is a red, 11-pointed maple leaf.

2.3% of canada's gross domestic product is from agriculture, 26.4% from industry, and 71.3% from services. there are 21.455 million mobile cellular phones in use in canada and 1,404 aeroports but only 514 of these have paved runways. canada takes up 9,984,670sqkm which is the 2nd largest in the world. [russia is the largest at 17,098,242sqkm -- it's hugenormous!!] the population of canada is 33,487,208 which places is at 36th in the world. 2nd in land, 36th in people - lots of elbow room up there, eh?

yes, these relatively meaningless out-of-context statistics WILL be on the test, so study-up kids!

mexico

there was this story on npr this morning about flooding and landslides in mexico caused by hurricane carl. the reporter named two mexican states where the flooding hit hardest. i was like, mexico has states? then i was like, gah - you are a eejit!! of course mexico has states. so i decided that today we should all learn more about mexico and its states. for starters, i guessed this morning that mexico has 7 states. ppfahahaha!! eejit. mexico has 31 states. 31!! who knew? probably you. you probably knew that mexico has 31 states and 1 federal district, or districto federale.

did you know the real name of mexico is "united mexican states"? there are 31 united mexican states -- Aguascalientes, Baja California, Baja California Sur, Campeche, Chiapas, Chihuahua, Coahuila de Zaragoza, Colima, Durango, Guanajuato, Guerrero, Hidalgo, Jalisco, Mexico, Michoacan de Ocampo, Morelos, Nayarit, Nuevo Leon, Oaxaca, Puebla, Queretaro de Arteaga, Quintana Roo, San Luis Potosi, Sinaloa, Sonora, Tabasco, Tamaulipas, Tlaxcala, Veracruz-Llave, Yucatan, Zacatecas. (thank you, cia world factbook!)

one thing you'll notice is that in mexico they like to name their states after things that already exist such as foods (tabasco SAUCE) and big screen movies (hidalgo) and dog breeds (chihuahua) and cowboy boot brands (durango). so - points off for plagiarism there.

the entire country of mexico is reportedly a sort of giant warzone of drug lords, so i don't know where are the safe places to live, but based solely on names, i'd choose quintana roo or san luis potosi because they are funny. "where do you live?" "quintana rooooooooo!" if i lived in san luis potosi, i'd call it potosi because who needs the san luis and pluswise, potosi sounds like a dance step. "where do you live?" "poh-poh-poh-toh-SEE! poh-poh-poh-toh-SEE! la la la la la la... poh-poh-poh-toh-SEE! poh-poh-poh-toh-SEE! la la la la la la... " yes, i would say it like that every. single. time.

mexico declared independence on 16 september 1810 and spain deigned to recognize mexican independence on 27 september 1821. 11 freakin years spain held onto the mexican dream! 16 sept is the day they celebrate their independence. i wonder - do they have big parties and shoot fireworks and eat bompops? of course, their bompops would be red, white, and green - their national colors - not red, white, and blue like ours, so their bompops would look like xmash pops so maybe they don't eat them on independence day because that would just be confusing. all the kids might think it's xmash or something.

the cia world factbook says the legal system in mexico is mixture of US constitutional theory and civil law system; judicial review of legislative acts; accepts compulsory ICJ jurisdiction with reservations and i am not sure what all that means, but i am pretty sure that "drug warlord" is the basic legal entity in mexico. maybe that's what the factbook stuff means. who knows.

their president is called President Felipe de Jesus CALDERON Hinojosa (ibid). why is CALDERON in big letters? i don't understand mexican names. i know they take their mom's name and their dad's name but i don't know which is where or how they name their kids - seems it would be confusing with everyone having so many last names coming into any kid production situation. maybe one of you kind readers will explain this to me. thanks.

that's really all i have time for tonight. if you're good, maybe tomorrow we will learn about the great white north.

if i had a hammer, that would make four hammers because i already have three hammers.

how 'bout them titans? woo woo woo! i am an eli manning fan, but not when he's playing the titans! woo woo woo!! go titans! go vince young! go cortland finnegan! go kenny britt! go rob bironas! this concludes "list of ace's favorite players".

what i really, really want is one of those tables by the door like where they always throw their keys when they come in the door on teevee shows, but my in-door is from the garage into the kitchen and there's no fun table in the kitchen. there's only a countertop in the kitchen. countertop - ppshh! bo-o-o-o-oring!!

coffee cup auditions have gone viral. the cups in the cup cupboard at elvis's place heard about it and one of them mms'd me a pic today. very pushy, these cups. this one is emblazoned with a bit of spanish and this may come as a surprise to you, but i don't read spanish. i know, right? i mean, i was totally surprised, too. no spanish knowledge. who knew?

i got these new sweatpants the other day at old navy and i totally thought they were a small but they are a medium so that explains why they are a wee bit too long, but i would really like an explanation on why they fit so well around the butt. huh? okay, fine. FINE. F.I.N.E. entiendo, okay??

συζήτηση καφέ

i am auditioning coffee cups. a couple weeks ago my go-to cup leapt from my hands and dashed itself against some other dishes in an obvious effort do to itself harm. it didn't kill itself, just maimed itself - broke its handle off. but i already repaired that handle one time so... fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, same on me. in the trashbin you go because i can't have a drama queen for a morning companion. my old man is drama enough. HAHA. just kidding.

but seriously folks, that cup had to go. no worries because we have a veritable plethora of cups and mugs, which are all now vying for the position, trying to get my attention. tiresome clattering in the mug cupboard.

first i tried and rejected one from my high school alma mater. it doesn't keep the coffee warm for long. its walls are as thin as the facade of class at the ol' mater. right now i'm using one from the mellow mushroom. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE PROPERTY OF MELLOW MUSHROOM GOT IN MY HOUSE. its walls are thick, but its body is small, sort of like one's arterties after one consumes too many shroom zas. it keeps the coffee warm but just doesn't hold enough of it. another reject. next up, that one from mini-me's college. go orange & garnet!

what i did today.

so my shiney new training plan was pretty much shot to hell by some sort of hip injury or else a drasticly (drastically? drastickly?) pinched nerve or the fact that i am a complete mental case. at any rate, i haven't run in... oh... i don't know... six weeks? yeah, like... since i registered for this $100 monstrosity of pinkishness. when it became clear i could not get speedy to come on down & be the next contestant in "ace for a day", i had to suck it up and go on out there. turned out to be not as bad as i thought it would be. i did manage to keep "running" the entire time, thanks in no small part to a guy in a skirt who entertained me with witty repartee for 3 or 4 miles before exiting the course completely. apparently, he was merely on a training run. it's entirely possible he does all his training runs in a skirt. he sort of seemed like that kind of guy. you know the type.

it's reprocessed. and, really not even that funny. but it fulfills the daily blog obligation. selah.

in the news today, 10 ways to keep wearing your summer clothes into the fall. by "you" they mean of course "women" because men just wear the same clothes all the freaking time like it doesn't even matter. eejits.

first up, pair tights with shorts. are they serious?? this didn't look good in its heyday back in the 80s and it doesn't look good now. just. say. no.

Layer under as well as over. "People never think to layer things under dresses, but if you have a sheath dress, you can layer it above a white button-down blouse. Or put a sundress over a T-shirt," Loehnen says. right. okay, this is otherwise known as a "jumper". or, if you live in those parts of the world where a jumpter is a sweater, this is a "pinafore". either way, it's best left to the elementary school girls and their teachers.

next they advise that you wear a belt because all these layers might make you look a wee bit chunky. like a refrigerator. in a box.

fourthly, add animal prints. yeah, because nothing says "good taste" like leopard print shorts over tights with three shirts and a belt. things are really developing well here.

the fifth recommendation is to wear a cardigan, jean jacket, or leather jacket to bulk up a summer dress. i will just pause right here and say this is great advice and by no means should be confused with any of the adjacent wack advice.

six & seven are "vest" and "chunky shoe" with "legging". unless you are jenna elfman, don't try this. next they advise that you add an olive green military style shirt. boo-yah! they follow this with #9: don't follow the rules. military... rules... huh.

finally, they say let the accessories do the work. i don't know about you, but i've never had a scarf, necklace, or earrings do a lick of work for me.

you got enough pictures yesterday, i am not giving you more today. don't be greedy!

so i saw this new guy at work today. well, wait. he was like 35 years old and it truly appeared that he'd been a guy for all 35 of those years, so he wasn't new at being and he wasn't new at being a guy, but see... he was new to the office. got it? okay, so here's the thing - he is like way over 6' tall. like, he might be 7' tall. okay, no... maybe like 6'5" or something. tall. tall tall. and, he probably weighed like 180lbs which would be a lot for some people but is not a lot for 6'5". tall tall skinny skinny. and, he was wearing jeans. and, they came all the way down to his feet. really the point here is where does a really tall skinny guy get jeans that fit? do you think he had to have them altered?

guess where i am? guess? gggguuuueeeeessss..... GUESS!! did you guess yet? did you? okay, i am at the soccer pitch. isn't that the greatest? at the pitch, sitting in the truck bed, leaning on the bed extender, with the netbook in my lap, using the high school's wireless connection. this is the life!

i left my book and my watch in my locker at work. i sewanee, i almost took off back up there to get them. i hate being without my mystery answer watch!

i've worked at that company twenty years now, so i will get a gift in a month or so. we can pick from this dopey catalog and most of the gifts are framed art, crystal vahzes, desk junque like globes and clocks, and trinkety jewelry. i looked up the prices of some of the stuff in google shopping, and none of it is worth more than $75. thanks a lot, my company, for a $73.62 piece of wack junk. sheesh. i selected a sports watch, and of course they don't have wimmen's sports watches, so i had to get a men's. but the point here is that i will soon have two solid watches, so i can leave the mystery answer at home where she belongs, so she will always be there when i get home every day. she'll be waiting on me. maybe she will prepare high tea. yeah....

-... .- .-. . -.-- . .-.. .-.. --- .-- -... ..- .-.. -...

shellacked gourds. now that's just funny. haha.

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bobby lee and johnny ray went out the other night and had a few too many. those two were a couple of shellacked gourds!

---

we went on a wee little trip last weekend and stayed at a lovely hotel up high on a grand hill. we had a panoramic view of the valley, which was filled with drastic crap.

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one tin soldier rides away....

---

these people were also temporary residents of the hilltop manor. they parked like eejits, so i took a picture so we could mock them together.

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mock! mock! mock! mock! mock! mock! mock!

---

omg! what has the word come to! what is hollereen without the smell of burning pumpkins!

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well last year, you know, bettie sue done burned off her bangs with the punkin candle thing so this year i got this here tiny punkin flashlight. ain't it cute!

---

i saw this and thought it was sweet. seriously. i was going to purchase it and send it to you, but then i thought maybe you didn't need another piece of junque, so i took a picture instead.

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you know who you are. and, your wellcomed.

---

if no towel, turn knob. what? why?? is there a tiny paper factory in there, and if you turn the knob it alerts the tiny paper makers to make more paper?

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if no towel, turn knob.

---

this is the shelf at publix where i first found yogurt raisins, and ever since that first finding, there have not been any yogurt raisins there to be found. frookers.

-... .- .-. . -.-- . .-.. .-.. --- .-- -... ..- .-.. -...

i searched the world over and thought i found raisins, somebody bought them and ththppf they was go-o-o-one!

---

the danes sure have funny ideas about jewelry. and, really big fingers.

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wide. nordic. palate.

---

62826

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'nuff said.

see, that's just gross right there, that's what that is, it's just gross, plain & simple.

my coworker was today wearing blue jeans and said she yesterday warshed but forgot to dry 4 pairs of blue jeans, so that's why she was wearing the ones she had on, so that means she has at least 5 pair of jeans, and who has 5 freaking pairs of jeans??

speaking of laundry, these kids - a boy and a girl - at the local high school were in the girls lavatory "doing the laundry"... if you know what i mean. a teacher walked in and saw them. no, this is not a joke. i really don't know exactly what procedure the teacher followed at this point, but the teacher learned that these two kids were doing safe laundry. what was their chosen safety method? of all the options available to the young folk these days? well, my friends, it will no doubt increase your faith in the future of the world that said fate rests in such capable minds as these when i tell you that they chose... a walmart bag. (did the picture give it away?) you can use your capable mind to fill in the punchline -- something about roll back, and low prices, and having a smile on your face.

why i sleep on a waterbed.

in case you haven't heard, i'll tell you: the city of new york is completely infested with bed bugs. this is not a joke. look it up! the city gov't has issued a health alert. theatres, hotels, ritzy apartments, all infested. the flagship nike store (niketown) has had to close. that's right - niketown done shut down. i am fairly certain this infestation can be blamed on elvis & priscilla who packed up beavis & regina and took them up there for a little tour. they done dragged the trailer-park-iosity of the almost-heaven state with them. haha. funny.

bedbugs. ew.

the national pest management association, npma, describes the little buggers as "Flat, brownish or reddish bugs that grow to the size of an apple seed." an apple seed, huh? that's a bit larger than i would have thought. i mean, an apple seed is not really difficult to spot. several dozen apple-seed-sized bugs crawling around ones bed area would be a bit disconcerting, no?

our friends at the npma go on to state that "The marks they typically leave, spots of blood and fecal matter, can look like pepper flakes." in case you aren't aware, fecal matter is poo. bedbug poo all over you! funnier if it's not you, yes?

- excuse me, i believe you have some pepper on your pyjammies.

-- well, my my, how would i get pepper on my pyjammies?

- maybe it's from eating snacks in bed - i saw all those apple seeds you left in there.

ew.

the little buggers are apparently very hideously difficult to get rid of. the process involves expensive, prolonged treatments that are not always successful. the environmental protection agency has issued a stern warning against using outdoor pesticides indoors. oh, my.

the npma advises thusly for the traveller: Diligently inspect rooms for bed bugs and stains they leave on bed sheets; keep possessions off the floor; clean bags and clothing immediately upon arriving home, washing items in hot water and ensuring to dry the items in the dryer, where the high heat can kill bed bugs.

apparently they are more prevalent than ever. the bedbugs, that is, not the npma folks. although the npma might be adding staff, i don't know. what i do know is the reported bedbug population is growing in number and widespreadedness. the npma attributes this to folks travelling more and i guess also not warshing all their stuff in boiling hot water and drying it on the high setting every time they come home. do you do that? i don't. want to know why? because it would freaking destroy my clothing. bout as well throw it all away.

this concludes bedbug banter. thanks for tuning in.

babushka babushka babushka babushka babushka babushka babushka babushka babushka babushka

i usually don't answer the phone when i don't recognize the phone number, but for some reason i was compelled to answer this morning.

ace: hello?

caller: who is this?!

ace: this is the person you called. who is THIS?

caller: is debra there?!

ace: there is no debra here.

caller hung up.

this is why i don't answer calls from numbers i don't recognize - because people are rude and idiotic. i googled the number and guess who it is registered to? debra. what the hell?

in other news, blueberry season is over. the price has doubled in the past week or so. grapes, on the other hand, are cheap-cheap. too bad you can't stock up on produce because i would have laid away some blueberries last week, and now i'd be piling in the grapes. one thing that would be cool is if someone would invent a way to save produce, like to preserve it, so that you could maybe keep it in a can or even in a package like in the freezer, then you could eat it months later. yeah. someone needs to invent something like that.

i had cause this weekend to spend some significant time around teenaged girls, and they are about what you'd expect - overly dramatic about the small stuff, inattentive to the big stuff, worried about their hair and who else is riding in their car, completely oblivious to the schedule of futbol games they will be playing. i overheard a conversation that started thusly: "what if when i get older, i don't want to dress like my mom, i want to dress like i dress now." i wanted to explain to them that if they continue to dress like they do now into their mom-years, they will find that they are as out of touch with new styles as they believe their own moms to be today. but, i knew they wouldn't get it.

the coffee trader, a squandered opportunity

well i finally finished david liss's the coffee trader and right towards the end it was a somewhat good book with a couple of new developments in characters, a plot twist or two, some plausible dialog, and some actual plot action. after that that right-before-the-end part, the very-very end was prosaic, formulaic. before the right-before-the-end part, for most of the book, the plot trudged along like slugdepudge, the dialog was stilted, the characters flat & stereotypical, and the setting neglected.

repetitive descriptions of 17th century amsterdam lacked detail and delivered little aid to the reader trying to build the set in her mind. the nascent markets in both stocks and coffee could both have been immensely intriguing but instead were matte, dull. the innerworkings of the immigrant jewish community - they'd fled the inquisition in iberia - could have been fascinating but were left largely unexplored. a good story will "show and not tell". liss simply does too much telling, not enough showing.

there's a common misconception that literature worthy of respect has to be convoluted and obtuse but c'mon folks, get serious. if a piece of literature is truly worthy of our respect, we will enjoy it. compare liss to sharon penman and you'll see that penman makes history come alive. read penman's there be dragons or when christ and his saints slept and let me know what you think. another great example is ken follett's pillars of the earth - superb storytelling, solid setting descriptions, plausible dialog, well-paced plot. his follow-up world without end... well, it was more of a new upholstery stretched over the frame of pillars so it's a poor exemplar.

in conclusion, the coffee trader has a lot of potential and would have been a great story in more capable hands.

books 2010

currently:
spider bones
[kathy reichs]

complete:
the coffee trader
[david liss]
a spot of bother
[mark haddon]
the dead fathers club
[matt haig]
harry potter & the deathly hallows
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the half blood prince
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the order of the phoenix
[jk rowling]
the ravenmaster's secret
[elvira woodruff]
harry potter & the goblet of fire
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the prisoner of azkaban
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the chamber of secrets
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the sorcerer's stone
[jk rowling]
the local news
[miriam gershow]
the magicians
[lev grossman]
benjamin pratt & the keepers of the school: we the children
[andrew clements]
water for elephants
[sara gruen]
the last child
[john hart]
the youngest templar: the keeper of the grail
[michael p. spradlin]
the last song
[nicholas sparks]
the magykal papers
[angie sage]
the memory of running
[ron mclarty]

livebloggin from the football pitch

on a road trip. enjoying the beautiful weather. wondering how high schoolers could possibly continue to think anything they do has not already been done, multitudes upon multitudes of times.

1. 2. 3.

david zinczenko of eat this, not that reveals that the worst-for-you milkshake in america is cold stone creamery's pb&c shake in the "gotta have it" size. what is the "gotta have it" size? a mere 12 ounces. that's really not very big when you consider it packs 2010 calories, 131g fat, 880mg sodium, and 153g sugars. the only fun thing about those nutrition facts is that the number of calories matches the year number on the common calendar.

so there's this girl in north carolina who belongs to a church called "the church of body modification" which is an organized religious organization of about 3500 folks worldwide who express their faithful fervor through tattoos and piercings. this young lady has a nose piercing that is in violation of her school's dress code. she claims freedom of religion overrides the dress code, so she should be excused from the requirement and the disciplines she has been given should be expunged from her record. "the church of body modification"? really? sounds like "the church of break rules so that we can pitch a fit over our first amendment rights" to me. the school district's put itself in a bit of a bind, however: they excuse muslim and hindu teens from certain dress code restrictions on religious grounds. the school system cannot pick and choose which religions are "real enough" to be excused. they'd do better to just let this young lady back in quickly and quietly before they have a bunch of "church of always sitting outside" or "church of no homework" on their hands.

winona ryder has a small part in the soon-opening really very scary looking natalie portman movie "black swan" about a ballerina who loses her mind. when you see what happens to natalie in that movie, you will see why i stopped ballet. i mean, i didn't want to end up all crazy-like. wooooo. anyway, we were talking about winona, who has that small part in "black swan" and another larger role in an upcoming mainstream romantic comedy with vince vaughn. ol' winona's been out of the picture (out of the pick-chur. see what i did there??) for a while after she was caught shoplifting a few years back. shoplifting. not that it's not a serious crime and doesn't deserve our attention as both a felony and desperate wailing cry for help, but seriously. seer. ee. us. lee. those weiners in hollywood do the craziest, most illegal things all the time, and they ostracized her over slipping a few fashion accessories in the ol' shopping tote? c'mon. c'mon! i heart winona. you folkses need to leave her be!

where does the wind come from, does anybody know? where does the wind come from, before it starts to blow? on saturday night, where does he hang his h

at? does anybody know where the wind is at? where does the wind come from, does anybody know oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh?

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Agency (NOAA) predicted 14 to 23 named storms, including eight to 14 hurricanes, three to seven of which were likely to be "major" storms, with winds of at least 111mph. This is compared to an average six-month season of 11 named storms, six of which become hurricanes, two of them major. NOAA said the period since 1995 has been one of unusually high storm activity with eight of the last 15 seasons ranking in the top ten for the most named storms.

what are we missing here kids? c'mon. you can get this one. you know this one.... yes - you there in the back. what? right! CONTEXT. we are missing context. how is an "average" season defined? what's the geographic area being observed? how many years contribute to the average? define what is "unusually high storm activity"?

"8 of the last 15 seasons rank in the top ten for the most named storms." what other years are in this top ten? how many years comprise the entire sample? does this indicate an increase in named storms? if so, what's the increase being observed in comparison to? that is, if you have an up, you must have a down. what's the down? what's the average? and, most importantly, how big is the sample?

see, this snippet claims that global weather systems have been growing in power and instability over the past decade. weather systems are by their very nature (see what i did there?) outside our control. anything growing, strong, volatile, and outside our control is scary. ergo, the weather is scary.

the next step is to point to a cause such as global warming, and then to point to a cause for global warming such as gasoline powered cars, and then to encourage us to alleviate our common fear, to take control back, by Doing Something About It, and finally to make that final connection: that the Something we can Do About It is to purchase a prius. or, you know, put some solar panels on the roof or get a refrigerator that doesn't grow icicles and waste precious energy resources. whatever. the point is that it's all about scaring us into buying something because if you think for a minute that your hummer's exhaust holds a candle to the global warming capability of your average industrial cattle farm, then my friend, you are not even close, no... not warm at all.

the change that was promised hasn't come, and maybe this is just me being cynical, but i am calling it a bait & switch, plain & simple.

today for high tea i was on my own so i selected from the market a meal appealing to me specifically: bangers and a light ravioli, chicken + sundried tomato. mmmm! for a total of 500 calories i received a whopping 45g of protein. go bangers!



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i might have shown you this one already but it's still funny.

do not block.

har har.



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lame-oh!



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i have been promoted to level... 666! yikes!!



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butt out. now THAT's funny, i don't care who you are! well, unless you are a deer. zoinks!!

the reason an mri makes so much noise is the little men with the cameras keep running into each other in there.

google changed their search and there is now no way to turn off search suggestions. i HATE search suggestions. it's like someone finishing your sentences. gah! shut UP google! stop telling me what you think i am going to say. the only good thing about search suggestions was you could turn it off. now, you cannot turn it off because they have gone one step further and made "google instant" which in case you don't know what that is, let me tell you: afreakingnnoying. google instant is like someone finishing your sentence, finishing it incorrectly, and then looking up all the information in the world related to their incorrect assumption about what you were going to say. ack! ack! stop it stop it stopitstopitstop!!!!

to google it may concern:

kindly refrain from presuming to know what i seek. alternately, kindly refrain from creating systems that are not user configurable. alternately, kindly suck it.

grudgingly yours,
ace

what are the options? yahoo? ask jeeves? excite? cuil? dogpile? bing? alta vista? eh? what? you don't think i will? well, do not push me because i might just switch.

what the hell difference does it make - they all just bring up wikipedia anyway.

it's weird that van den bosch and bullock won't be out there on our side today.

so yesterday i went grocery shopping at kroger's's which i hardly ever do anymore because i go to publix but i like to periodically visit kroger's's to remind myself why i don't go there. people say that kroger's's costs less but for instance, the blueberries were $2.50 at kroger's's and they are $5 at publix, but here's the facts, jack - the carton at kroger's's was half the size of the carton at publix. so, you can't just go around saying blueberries are cheaper at kroger's's. the perception that publix is pricier is pervasive - people believe it and don't compare.

false lower prices - reason not to shop at kroger's's.

yesterday they had some sort of karaoke tailgate party going on in the produce section. while there are no tailgates inside the store, making that title a bit of a misnomer, luckily no one was karaoking, but oddly, the DJ was playing old cry-in-your-beer sad honkytonk heartbreak songs. nothing says "yay grapes are on sale" like a cheatin' song.

bizarre musical events - reason not to shop at kroger's's.

i was thinking it might be difficult to explain this next one without offending some folks, then i remembered i don't give a frog what you people think. here's the thing - the shoppers are kroger's's have too little clothing covering too much flesh. these fat fatties in bathing suits and daisy dukes are purchasing fried snacks, sugar cereals, processed meat products, and beer. they are waddling around the store hollering at their progeny about cheese doodles and donuts.

i am better than this - reason not to shop at kroger's's.

i sought yogurt covered raisins and this yogurt-covered-raisin-search was actually one reason i went to kroger instead of publix. publix has not had them, despite my asking, but now that i have found them at kroger's's you can be sure of this: i will tell publix next time i am there that i, a very loyal customer, had to go somewhere else to locate a product that i have been axing for. bad publix! bad!

yogurt covered raisins - reason to shop at kroger's's.

my yogurt-covered-raisin-search was stalled out by my not knowing where anything is at the kroger's's. i attempted to jump-start the search by inquiring of a store employee where i might find this item. store employees are scarce at kroger's's, but i finally located a couple ladies gossiping behind some boxes they were no doubt supposed to be unloading. when i asked about the yogurt covered raisins, i was pleasantly surprised that not only did the ladies know where this item was located, one of them walked me directly to the product. this is precisely what the publix staff does, and they are much easier to find, so even though she was helpful, her hiding counts against.

difficult to find helpful staff - reason not to shop at kroger's's.

and when i got home i realized i had an item for which i had not paid. i considered different methods of going back and paying for it because there was no way i was keeping it without paying since that's how karma tricks you into the darkside. it was small so i decided i'd go back to a different kroger's's carrying the item in an undisclosed location about my person. when arriving at the store, i'd pick up another couple items, bring out the unpaidfor item in a secluded aisle, and pay for them all together. this worked brilliantly and karma was thwarted.

karma lying in wait to snare unsuspecting goodfolk - reason not to shop at kroger's's.

i twizzlers all day that day because when you're at war, who the hell cares about nutrition!

it's the classic elephant in the room. you can't help but notice it, yet there's nothing to say about it either. 9/11. it's part of our decor. you can talk about where you were when the towers fell or how quiet the world was for those couple days all the planes were grounded and the transport trucks were parked. but there's really nothing new to be said, nor is there any definable progress towards eradicating terrorism or to leveling the inherent unfairness that feeds the fires of misunderstanding, greed, envy, fear, mistrust, hate.

i was in my office, sending emails. it was a fairly typical tuesday until the word started to spread that something very strange and very scary was happening in NYC. i pulled up some headlines, got some scant still photos off the then much more primitive internet news services, pieced together some of what was happening. emails virtually stopped flowing, business was not proceeding as usual. some of us gathered in the fitness center to watch events unfold on the televisions in there. we couldn't really figure it out. later that day i finally received a new email from a co-worker who was recruiting the team for an upcoming corporate 5k race. i could not believe she had the audacity to think about anything so mundane as a corporate 5k race. did she not know the world as we know it had completely ceased to exist?

but of course, it did not. we had that corporate 5k race and since then we have all participated in a lot of events of every imaginable kind, from athletics to concerts to grocery shopping to school to catching fireflies in the backyard. we did not "let the terrorists win". we paused for a moment to be stunned, to give thanks to those whose job is our safety, and to ponder the utter unknowable complexity of the world in which we live. then we got back to the business of living, and dare i say, have nearly completely forgotten the impact of that day as we felt it on that day.

in a few years, the local retailers will all be having "patriot day sales". they're just waiting to determine that enough time has passed for it to be not completely crass. and while not enough time has yet passed for any of them to feel comfortable being the first to do it, mark my words: they will. veterans day sale. labor day sale. martin luther king day sale. memorial day sale. columbus day sale. hell, i was out today doing my part to grease the capitalist wheel, so i can testify to the fact: so was everyone else in this town. it's already happening, save being declared an actual national holiday and having the sales reflected in the newspaper circulars.

they call it "not letting the terrorists win" but it all really begs the question - which guys are the terrorists again?

we are TJ MAXX!! we are TJ MAXX!! we are TJ MAXX!!

do you get the "here you have" virus? it was all the rage this week. i got offered it just one time because i am well protected by AVG plus more importantly i am not a eejit. we got warned by two separate sources that there was an email virus that would infect computers simply by opening the email. right, well guess what? that's not true. it just doesn't happen that way. you open the email and CLICK ON A LINK embedded in the email, and by CLICKING THE LINK you ignite the virus. simply opening the email does not instigate the virus. i'm sure you'll correct me if i'm wrong, but there has never been a computer virus that is launched by simply the act of opening an email. it's clicking the links that always does it. why don't people acknowledge that clicking the link does it? because the link advertises porn, that's why. everyone's all like - oh, i just opened the email and all these windows started popping up and then i had a virus, yeah, that's it, i didn't click on a link or nothing, no!

losers.

in other news, i have already done the cleaning and the bookkeeping, so tomorrow is a real true free day when i can do whatever without guilt and by whatever i of course do not mean going for a long run - gah! - but i am considering going for a swim (probably won't happen) and going shoe shopping (probably will). went to the doc today and he said i either have a stress fractured hip or a bulging disc or a bizarre disease of unknown proportions. stay tuned for the continuing adventures of the cake-butt of ace.

they say that grilled chicken sammiches cause cancer anyway.

we sought quick protein so i swung into the local KFC/KGC. that's right, KGC - kentucky GRILLED chicken - which is what we were after, but which may not in fact actually exist. we did not succeed in receiving it.

i pulled up to the drive thru and the disembodied female voice said, "hang on a minute."

ooookay....

after a few mins, "what can i get ya?"

and i was like, "two #6 combos and both of those with no sauce and no cheese, and with fries. do you have sweetea?"

"yes."

"then give me a sweetea and a diet pepsi."

ew. pepsi.

"that'll be $10.93."

i drove around to the window and waited. waited. waited. waited. ::sigh:: this is not chick-fil-a. waited. waited. finally she came to the window.

"we ain't got no sweetea."

well, that's good then because your double negative reveals that you have the stuff, so you can give me some.

"fine. just give me the sandwiches then, not the combos."

"that will cost you more."

and, by that she surely meant that she didn't want to re-ring it. surely. surely a sandwich doesn't actually cost more than a combo. surely.

"fine. pepsi."

ew. pepsi.

so she gave me the drinks and took my money and i waited. waited. waited. waited. waited. and then she passed me a bag of food, and i took it and drove on home.

when we unpacked the bag, what pray tell did it contain? two FRIED sammiches and 2 small orders of fries, and when i say small, i mean my fries contained 4 pieces of fryness. 4 fried potato pieces. 4 fries! that's like a double extry small. sheesh. one thing about the sammiches that WAS grilled was the bun, and each bun had these BLACK grill marks across it. nice, huh? so we skipped the buns and ate the FRIED protein and the 4 fries per each and the pepsis. (ew. pepsi.)

then i got onto the computer to write KGC a note about this experience. i went to the website and it is equal in ridiculosity to the visit itself. i have never jumped through so many hoops and plowed through so many interrelated drop-downs simply to tell someone how terrible a visit was, but i persevered because the feedback loop is a vital part of our service economy and i like to do my part in oiling the giant economic wheel.

the best thing about new stamps is how they come in a waxed paper envelope.

so i was at the post office today picking out some stamps because if you are going to write letters, you need to have stamps, and i am going to write letters. i picked out the scouting stamp, the pansy stamp, and the forever stamp - 20 of each.

i axt the postal service employee what kind of stamps did they have besides the forevers and he was like, what kind do you want?

so i was like, do you have birthday stamps?

and he was like, no.

so i was like, okay, what do you have?

and he was like, i have... [rumaging around in the drawer] ...scout stamps.

so i was like, okay, i will take some of those and what else do you have?

and he was like, uh....

so i pointed at the sign with the pansy stamps and said, do you have these?

and he was like, yes.

so i was like, okay, i will take some of those, too.

and he was like, okay, is that all?

so i was like, yes, that is all.

which i just said that because he sounded so anxious, but it wasn't really all because i really wanted to see what other choices there were. freaking mailman. get the damb stamps outta the drawer! i think he probably deals in the weed on the side and he forgot it's okay to get the stamps out - it's the weed you need to leave in the drawer.

alongside my postal service transaction there was another transaction happening and this one was a passport. it was going along as per thusly:

postal service employee - now, sit all the way back in the chair and smile. 1... 2... 3....

passport applicant - okay?

pse - no, you are not smiling. you need to smile. here we go... 1... 2...

pa - i am going to see my daughter in germany.

pse - wha? wait. okay. let's try again. you can tell me about your trip after i get the picture. okay, smile... 1... 2... 3.... okay, you are winking at me there, see? you need to have both eyes open. 1... 2... 3... smile! smile! [i wanted to say here that maybe this lady was not a "smiler" so maybe she didn't need to be smiling on the passport because smiling is not her natural state but i didn't say anything because i didn't want to start a national security ruckus.] let's try again.... 1... 2... 3.... okay, now you have both eyes closed. here is what we are going to do - i will count to three, and then you close your eyes, then open them and smile, all at the same time. 1... 2... 3... close... open... SMILE.

pa - i am going to see my daughter. she lives in germany. germany is a country, right?

in conclusion, i am amazed that miss winkie-blinkie managed to conquer the complex 1-2-3-close-open-smile procedure, and i am not certain at all that she should be travelling any further than the nearest krystal.

call him ishmael.

nearly 4000 years ago, there was a guy called abram and he was old and when i say "old" i mean oldold like i don't know, 80 or something. abram was married to sarai, and they believed in the great creator. when i say "believed" i mean, they believed the way you believe a chair will hold you up when you sit in it. that is to say, they really believed, it wasn't just a word thing. they relied upon TGC.

now, if there was one thing these two regretted, it was that they didn't have any kids of their own. their reliance on TGC was fairly fulfilling, but they had always wanted kids. one day, TGC tells ol' abram - "yo, buddy, my bad on the kids thing. you want some now?" and abram's all like - "ppfahahaha! well sure, big guy. better late than never, eh?"

and abram goes home to tell ol' wrinkly sarai that TGC said they can have kids now, and sarai laughed some goat's milk out her schnozz. "abram! get serious. clearly TGC meant you can make some kids with a younger woman, and we'll adopt them to be our own. that will be a comfort." sarai says abram can make some kids with sarai's do-girl, hagar (no relation to the hagar brothers nor anything to do with the line of men's pants).

so abram and hagar make ishmael, and pretty soon after (or maybe a dozen years), abram and sarai make isaac. you see this happening even today - you will have some couple who is trying to have kids, and trying, and trying, and doing all the fertility stuff, and then they decide kids are not going to happen for them personally in the traditional (conception) method, so they will adopt a child and then, lo & behold, they will themselves get pregnant. this is where we get the expression "that's a sarai slammy".

time passed. sarai changed her name to sarah and abram changed his to abraham. sarah watched ishmael and isaac growing up together and realized that because ishmael was older (some say he had about a 13-yr head start on isaac), that ishmael was going to get a lot of opportunities that she would prefer go to her born-son isaac. sarah decided she had had just about enough of her do-girl hagar and hagar's kid ishmael, so she told abraham that those two had to go. so abraham sent his baby (who was possibly like 17 years old) and his baby-mama out into the desert where hagar wandered around and wailed & cried, and finally she couldn't go on so she put ishmael under a bush and was fixing to leave him there and just lay down & die. (now, you may just pause here and think that it's odd that a 17-yo boy can't take care of both himself AND his momma out in the desert, but that would be because you don't know many 17-yo boys. they are on the whole a worthless lot.) but an angel (not worthless) came to her and showed her to an oasis that would save both ishmael and hagar.

ishmael had 12 sons and was the father of all the arabic nations. isaac had two sons, esau and jacob, who were in conflict like their father & his brother, and in the end jacob prevailed and had 12 sons and was the father of all the israelites.

the conflict just goes back a long way, that's all i'm saying.

what this town could use is a good coffee shop

starbux has this sammich that is turkey bacon + egg whites on a whole wheat english muffin. it is tasty and i wonder if it's good for me, or simply neutral 'not bad' for me. surely it is not 'bad' for me. i brought a coffee bag for a free cuppa and also had a gift card from somewhere, so despite what you've heard to the contrary, the free lunch does exist. well, it did exist. before i ate it. it's gone now. but it was here. but now it's gone.

this is a sort of cavernous starbux with an exposed duct trailing across a very high ceiling of exposed rafters. it's not industrial chic. it's not even strip mall chic. it's simply wugly. i would guess the architecture is supposed to lend an airiness, but only succeeds in a feeling of overexposure. the construction could possibly be overcome by the heart of the store, but this store has no heart. probably something to do with the fact that it's situated between a jack in the box and a best western. it's really suburbia at its worst, this impersonal cookie-cutter coffee shop.



but let's not let that get us down, shall we not now?

there are other choices, but nothing's quite right.

the beanery is usually good, inviting, with manageable crowds. but sometimes there is no one else there, which is just really odd because it's got like 20 tables. so when there's no one there, the feeling is that you're intruding somehow. and, it can also turn on you. they close early, around 18:00, 19:00 or so, and they really start closing up 30 mins or so before that, visibly clearing & cleaning in a way that sucks all the 'welcome' right out of the place.

there's this other place called maxximo jo's, and it looks fun from the outside, but inside there is a cryptic menu and few seating choices. you can perch on a stool at a high bar at the window, or sit in one of the one chairs. not a big selection on chairs, you see. plus when i've been in there, the kids who work there have been mostly annoyed at the interruption in their gossiping caused by my placing an order.

there's always jack in the box, eh?

they went to play golf and i am just not ready to settle for that game quite yet.

just got off the skype with elvis & beavis (with minor appearances by regina & priscilla). the video call is an odd thing, the way you're transported right into the lives of those you're calling.

speaking of odd, i just now completely on accident learned that ctrl+9 and ctrl+1 switch between the tabs in IE. i was trying to make a ( and i hit ctrl+9 instead of shift+9, and the active tab changed to the right. so i tried all the other numbers + ctrl until i found that ctrl+1 changes the tab focus back to the left. to the left. to the left. everything you own in a box to the left.

speaking of boxes, i found a box of stationery on the free table at work and have therefore been writing a few letters. back in the day, i used to be quite the letter writer. i'd exchange missives with, mostly, folks i knew from brigadoon. this was before email, before facebook, before VOIP, when a long distance fone call cost a pretty penny and a stamp was less than a quarter. i have saved exactly none of those letters, which is a shame because they'd be a little picture into the world of the past.

speaking of the past, it appears that i am committed to doing a 5k in the morning. okay so here's the thing... when you go to physical therapy, really the point is that your physical condition is supposed to improve, right? i mean, improvement is the goal, right? just want to be sure i am not mistaken about that because i went to PT with hip pain that occurred while running and now my entire leg hurts all the time. maybe i have the wrong idea of improvement, but it doesn't seem "better" to me. but here's the 5k part -- i encouraged baby-enstein, who is now like teenage-enstein, to run a 5k which occurs tomorrow morning, and i was all like - hey, i will do this with you and it will rock. i said we could start together and if he felt that he could go faster, he could take off, but that i would not take off and leave him. tomorrow, the only way he will not be moving faster than i towards the finish is if he runs the wrong direction. [this is the part where you pity me, maybe send me a cake of some sort.]

the wholeway plan

so this morning my old man was like - let's go out and get some breakfast and i was all - great, okay, fine by me. he was like - where do you want to go? and i was like - where ever is fine by me.

and it is -- the "where ever" café is always fine by me. i really am happy to go where ever someone will cook my food and bring it to me and clean up afterwards. now, that being said, what i also really do like is to go different places, but my old man's not so much for trying the new places, so we usually go the regular places because i am simply happy for someone else to do the cooking and cleaning. the trying something new part, that's just an added pleasure.

another thing i enjoy is a ride in the country. i like to ride around in the car anywhere but especially in the country. sort of like a puppy. only, not.

so he goes - where ever is fine by you? and i go - yep! but what i am thinking is how it would be nice to drive out in the country and eat at some diner in a small town around here. but i don't say it because it sounds sort of vague and really only the sort of halfway plan that would never actually land us at a breakfast table but rather have us driving aimlessly around the countryside for hours in a hunger-induced bicker, and i am fairly certain if i suggest it he would say precisely that - that driving around in the country wouldn't get us any closer to breakfast, and i am wishing i knew an actual place out in the country to head towards because then it wouldn't be a halfway plan, it would be a wholeway plan.

so then.

what happened next was.

my old man goes.

how about we drive out the road a piece and go to this diner that i've heard is good, out in the country a bit? would you want to do that?

i was in the car before he finished talking.

never really did get the hang of sailboating.

so i'm reading david liss's the coffee trader and a few years ago i read his conspiracy of paper and all i can remember from the previous book is that it was a conspiracy of words that didn't make sense to me. i didn't have the key to the conspiracy but i slogged through it because at that point i had something to prove. i really showed that book. it won't mess with me again.

so i made some trail mix and everyone's all like - wow this is great, did you make this? and i am like - yes. it appears that folks are impressed, so i shouldn't do this, but i will go ahead and share the recipe with you. here's what you do: you get some yogurt covered raisins, and you get a pack of dried fruit, and you get a can of mixed nuts, and then you pour all these together in a plastic box and you shake it up. did i go too fast? i realize it's complicated, so you might not be able to make it as well as i do.

today one of my coworkers was wearing a large purple plastic flower-shaped ring. on purpose. for serious. ::sigh:: dressing like a 5 year old is simply too far down the casual friday road. blue jeans, fine. running shoes, okay. sweatshirts, maybe. but let's draw the line at giant plastic jewels, shall we?

me sleepy

when you go to rename a file in win7, the system by default does not select the file extension, which is precisely the part of the name i am usually needing to change. anyone who knows how to change this and make it choose the entire filename including extension, if you can tell me how to do this, i will bake you a cake. you will have to come & get the cake, and i am a fairly sucky baker, but it's the thought that counts, right?

all day i've been working on this one thing and i finally had a breakthrough like around 15:00 and slammed it home. wah-chow! one could say the day's work would have been easier had i had a breakthrough earlier in the day, but one might also say that without all the hand wringing and general gnashing & rending and so forth, there would not have been a breakthrough at all. one could say i am an idiot for not figuring it out sooner. one could say i am brilliant for figuring it out at all. if you have even a modicum of intelligence, you will side with the ones saying i'm brilliant because if you side against me, i will bake you a cake and bring it to your house.

in other news, i still cannot run. monday i am committed to a 5k. 11 sept i am to do another 5k. 25 sept i have already paid for a half-marathon, and in november, an entire 26.2 waits for me. we could choose to say, "ace is well rested." we could choose to say, "ace has a butt like a giant cake." either would be true, but the latter would be unkind and the former, while true, is a bit disingenuous. it is not precisely 'rested' that i am, but rather more that i am 'extremely freaking frustrated'. i'm a couple hundred copayment dollars into physical therapy at this point with really no progress to show for it. well, there is progress in the cake-butt area, although that's not really the type of progress that will get me back out there running.

finished dead father's club and followed it with a spot of bother -- both by british authors. the brits are a funny people, and i mean funny-haha and funny-strange. they're a bit more stream of consciousness than their buttoned-up exteriors might lead you to believe. all smooth on top with a bit of a roary underneath, what what. pluswise, they call 'cake' 'pudding' and so you can see right there they are messed up in the head.

books 2010

currently:
the coffee trader
[david liss]

complete:
a spot of bother
[mark haddon]
the dead fathers club
[matt haig]
harry potter & the deathly hallows
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the half blood prince
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the order of the phoenix
[jk rowling]
the ravenmaster's secret
[elvira woodruff]
harry potter & the goblet of fire
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the prisoner of azkaban
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the chamber of secrets
[jk rowling]
harry potter & the sorcerer's stone
[jk rowling]
the local news
[miriam gershow]
the magicians
[lev grossman]
benjamin pratt & the keepers of the school: we the children
[andrew clements]
water for elephants
[sara gruen]
the last child
[john hart]
the youngest templar: the keeper of the grail
[michael p. spradlin]
the last song
[nicholas sparks]
the magykal papers
[angie sage]
the memory of running
[ron mclarty]

i think i'll go watch the football match now, down to the local schoolyard. want to come with?

so this random woman quoted in the paper said that she was glad the US troops were pulling out of iraq because she thought we never should have gone over there because "if they wanted freedom badly enough they would have gotten it for themselves".

wha?

c'mon on and be serious. you can agree with US presence in other parts of the world or disagree, and you can even agree with some presences and disagree with others. you can be diametrically philosophically opposed to joining in the various fights for freedom across the globe, or you can be just as strongly in favour of our going out there and getting involved in every major dispute and every petty squabble. you can disagree that when we set out, that we do so with any sort of philanthropic spirit, with any sort of true heart-felt desire to free anyone from the bonds that bind them, with any empathy for the downtrodden, with any thought but power and greed.

and, there, you might be correct.

but one thing you cannot do is say that if these various peoples want freedom badly enough they would get it for themselves. no, see... it doesn't work that way. the whole point of oppression is that it is oppressing.

what about darfur? hell, what about right-next-door cuba? double hell, what about the native tribes of america? well, clearly we are not pure freedom fighters. there has to be something in it for us. but if that's the point that you disagree with then you disagree with our being mercenary, with our selling out to the highest bidder, with our helping only those who can pay us. and, that's a worthy enough thing to disagree with. but you simply cannot say that oppressed people should be somehow sufficient enough to throw off the oppression unaided.

i am not a history scholar. i really only know enough to embarrass myself, but i know that the french (right?) and maybe the spanish (maybe?) helped us americans win our freedom from the oppressive english. we could not do it alone, and we were across a huge ocean! imagine if your oppressors lived, like, next door. or that they weren't conveniently wearing bright red coats and marching in formation across a field, but rather were dressed just like you and were sneaking into your home and raping your daughters.

oh. my. freaking. applesauce.

you cannot expect people to throw off this sort of oppression without some assistance.

is the middle east a wise place to attempt to sort out democracy and broker peace? do the people of iraq deserve our help more than the people of [insert one of a veritable plethora of other oppressed folk here]? can we fix it? should we? do we need to, to preserve our own safety? will the world be a better place? here's a big one -- have we actually accomplished enough that they can now stand on their own in this brave new world we've carved out of the sand together?

time will tell, i suppose. but whether you agree or not that we should have gone and whether you agree or not that we are doing what is good or moral or right and whether you agree or not that we have been successful...

the oppressed cannot gain freedom unassisted - cannot through simply wanting it enough obtain it; nor can those who offer assistance gain freedom on behalf of the oppressed - no matter how much they wish to gain this freedom for those oppressed - if the oppressed do not want freedom for themselves.

even if you think we started this adventure on false pretenses with a hidden agenda; even if you do not think this was a worthy endeavor; even if you do not believe we should spend our time, money, blood, sweat, tears, and very lives to gain the freedom of people in faraway land; even if you think we should not have gone and done it -- you cannot deny these people were oppressed, and you cannot deny they could not have thrown off their oppressor without our help.

[yes, i know... we built the oppressor in the first place. but don't you think going back to depose his regime makes up for that in some wee small way?]

[if you think i don't have my facts straight here, let me remind you that this is my world in which i am the oppressor, you are the oppressed, and i have no empathy. that is to say, if you disagree with me, you can suck it.]