nothing says "mothers day" quite like a basic pain-based beauty quest

a plethora of months in the past, i purchased some of this dr scholl's freeze away wart remover because i have this "wart" on my foot. you know, not like a disgusting actual wart on my foot b/c that would be gross but more like a "wart". so i got this stuff and i have had it for months but never used it because the directions seemed very complicated and i didn't want to perform the operation incorrectly have it not work because if it didn't work maybe it would backfire and put a "wart" on my face or something. i finally used it a few weeks ago - tried it on my hand where there is not so much a wart as a "wart" there on my hand. it did not work - likely because i didn't hold it on the "wart" long enough. why didn't i hold it on there longer? well for starters, it hurts like a mohfoh. and besides that, there is the pain. i valiantly tried again today and really held it on there for the full 20 seconds and it was making me break out in a sweat but i powered through. it's supposed to take a few days to show a result, so i'll give you an update later in the week.

in other painful self-beautification news, i am using walgreens whitening trays to liven up my big horsie teeth. while the whiteners do not match the intense mohfoh level of pain that the wart remover provides, they offer a more prolonged agony. wart remover = 20 seconds. whitener = 30 minutes. the main ingredient in the whitener is hydrogen peroxide. in case you aren't scientific, i'll tell you the formula for hydrogen peroxide is HO. no, not the call of santa nor the call of leerondell the pimp, but rather HO is symbolic of one hydrogen for each oxygen. hydrogen per oxygen. peroxide. GET IT?

so, you've got your HO and the thing about HO is that it's a bit unstable in character but through the instability is somewhat laser-focused on its life-mission: become H2O. sort of like julia roberts in pretty woman wanting to become a princess when she is a ho, all HO wants out of life is to become water, and all it needs is its own personal richard gere - some H to make this dream come true. it is so, so desperate to become H2O that it really doesn't let anything - even slap-happy little bully-men like that guy george from seinfeld who, yes, we all forget was in that movie - stand it its way. this unstable mission-driven laser-focus desire to be water makes HO a good li'l scrubber-dubber. it's pushes everything in its path out of the way in its single-minded quest for H -- dirt, grime, blood, coffee stains, laura sangiacomo, periodontal structures. it's like having gum-termites tearing away at your hard palate for 30 minutes and you don't get to wear a ruby necklace or even go to a polo match.