where'd it all go wrong, my friday night enfant?

so we went to cracker barrel for some biscuits and eggs, and we parked our two separate vehicles and walked in and got seated by the window. so far so good.

then, one-star chad came to take our order.

in case you are not familiar with the cracker barrel apron-starring system, i will explain it. even if you are familiar with it, i am still splaining it, so sit down & shut up. okay. when you first start work waiting tables at the barrel, you get an apron with "rising star" and a shooting star symbol embroidered on it. after you've worked there a while, you get an apron with your name and one gold star embroidered on it. the longer you work there, the more stars you get, but they are not completely wacked out so they stop at like 5 or something. i mean, you never see an apron with 82 stars on it.

so, chad had one star which indicated that he is not a complete newbie. chad should have caught on by now.

we began with the drinks - water and coffee. simple. chad accomplished bringing us water and coffee. good chad. chad did not bring the cute little bowl containing wee plastic containers containing chemical coffee-color changer (not to be confused with chemical-coffee color changer). i said - oh, we forgot to ask for cream. chad said - no, i just forgot to pick it up, i'll get it, i'll be right back.

chad got the chemical coffee-color changer and headed back to our table but stopped along the way at another table. no problem. i mean, chad's going to have other customers, right? lah, lah... waiting... what's chad doing now? he's still talking to those cute girls at that other table. now he's leaning over the table... is he getting their phone numbers? my old man almost got up to go get the crème, but chad managed to tear himself away and stroll on down to our table. he goes - they have the new iphone, are you getting the new iphone, it's rad.

okay, stop right there. firstly, chad, darling... nobody says "rad" anymore. i don't even say "rad" anymore. secondly, if you're delayed while servicing a customer [heh], then the proper comment is "sorry for the delay" - hell, you can even say, "sorry for the rad delay" if that is what floats your lingo-impaired boat - but unless you are julie the cruise director, it is not your job to facilitate communication between the tables. your job is waiting on customers, not making customers wait on you.

so far, not so great, but chad has plenty of time to redeem himself, right?

we placed our food order including specific extras - ketchup and strawberry jelly. this is not our first barrelodeo. we know what we want. chad diligently scribbled away at his pad. crispy bacon. steak fries. got it. got it.

next comes that lull when we're waiting for the food. often, the waitstaff will come by and offer you another cuppa joe while you're waiting, but not chad. he's a bit busy socializing. we emptied our coffee cups into our bellies while we discussed headlines and gossip over our old school iphones.

soon, my old man spots chad heading our way with food, so he gives the heads up - "food". we share one brain, so we really don't even need to talk. food. but then, my old man goes, "not us." ah, the mistaken tray syndrome - you think your food's coming, but it's not yours. wait... then, wait... huh. it IS our food. chad just stopped along the way, with our food, to chat with the folks at another table.

finally, here comes ol' chatty chaddy with our food, and we're looking forward to tucking into the ketchupy eggs and jam-covered biscuits, all warshed down with the nice hot coffee in our refilled coffee cups. but chad did some sort of time twister thing and had left our food on the table without actually spending any time standing there. i swear i have never witnessed anyone leave food more quickly. but wait, where's the ketchup? the jam? the refilled coffee? apparently still in the kitchen. maybe chad's gone back for those things? no, chad has gone to talk to folks at yet another table.

so we wait for him to bring the stuff. and we wait. and... wait. wait. finally, chad comes back to check on us. NOW -- imagine you are a waiter and you come back to a table where you dropped off some food several minutes ago, and when you walk up the food is mostly untouched and the coffee cups are empty. what do you do? i suggest that you observe and analyze. observe the untouched food and empty coffee cups. analyze these inputs before you speak so that you can make an intelligent comment such as, "can i get you some more coffee?" and not a generic remark such as, "how are things going over here?"

chad is all like - "how are things going over here?"

my old man goes - "well... not worth a damn, really."

chad is all like - "well, that's your own fault."

huh?

we quickly remedied our fault by heading out the door, stopping only to inform the manager of chad's unstellar performance.