in the rain

so you walk by, and i smile. because that is what people do. people acknowledge the presence of other people. you walk by. i smile. but you don't smile back so i wonder.

i wonder, first, did i do it wrong? did i smile incorrectly? as i ponder the possibility that i could have mangled this simplest of social graces, i realise that people who have mastered socialisation would not have considered dyssmiling a possibility at all. this gives credence to the theory that i did it incorrectly.

i wonder, next, if you perhaps didn't notice me, didn't notice my attempt at bridging the vast chasm of separateness that yawns between each of us and every other each of us. perhaps you're occupied with your own concerns. perhaps you're blind. this bounces the dilemma back to me - should i have tried harder, built a better bridge?

i wonder, next, did you ignore me? did you see my smile and choose not to return the gesture? if so, why? am i hideous? are you painfully shy? is your face so botoxed you are unable to smile? am i not good enough for you, not worthy of your attention, not even such brief attention as a smile?

i wonder, next, why i ever smile at anyone at all.