to whom it may concern

1. The size of your sales report doesn't correspond to the size of your manhood.

2. When you are talking to each other, face each other. It's a conversation, not a performance.

I am a captive audience, trapped between my non-organic oatmeal in the microwave and your combined 600 pounds of too-much-time-sitting-in-an-office-chair flesh, blocking the coffee maker. You can pretend that my captivity is a reflection of my interest in your pathetic little sales reporting lives, but if you do not remove your oxford & khaki clad bulk from the vicinity of the coffee maker so that I may get some coffee... well, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.